When Two People Cuddle In A Special Way
by SisiDraig - 2
Summary: Howard and Vince go on holiday and come back with a *lot* more than they bargained for... Please R&R.
1. How It Began

**Dedicated to Britania Control 1.0 - for giving me the idea in a review for another fic.**

**Warnings: Unfortunately, only about as much Howince as there is in the actual show - well, for now anyway ;). Does do some weird crossover/crack fic. stuff at the end but things aren't as straight forward as your usual crossover... *stacks up the mystery like unstable Jenga*. Also, t****his first bit is un-beta'd though I am looking for one so if anyone's interested, then I'd be thrilled if you let me know :) [Sorry if it's crap at the moment.]**

**** PLEASE READ** ****Don't really want to give away the other warning because it'll ruin the fic so feel free to PM me and ask if you feel a bit nervous.**** ** PLEASE READ****

**Disclaimer: The Mighty Boosh and all related characters belong to Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt, BBC 3 and Babycow. I don't own any of them, please don't sue. The title is a quote from stand-up by Dara O'Briain and is also a **_**massive**_** hint at what's coming.**

**Author's Note: I know this is quite soon after my other fic but when the inspiration strikes I have to write it before it disappears again. Also, apologies for excessive first chapter others wont be as long.**

* * *

Howard appeared from the house with a face like thunder, he stormed towards the car and got in silence. He didn't even have the good grace to glare at Vince. He just slammed his keys in the ignition and drove. The driving was erratic and Vince found himself being thrown about in his seat every time Howard wanted to change gear. It was a long time before either of them spoke and all Howard could manage was;

"Did you bring any food?"

"No."

"That was your only other job!"

Vince shrugged.

"You're a prick."

"Ditto."

And then the silence was back.

This was not how Vince had intended on starting their holiday. The idea had been perfect, the planning had been spectacular but so far the execution had been one disaster after another. Vince glowered angrily at Howard and pushed a button, letting the radio scream into action. Vince wasn't sure what the song was but he saw the older man scowl, so he turned it up very slowly, one volume at a time, waiting to discover Howard's exact breaking point. He watched Howard's face contort as he tried not to bite through his own lip with fury. Vince kept pushing until the notes distorted and crackled. It was no longer a song, just a wall of deformed noise forcing it's way into their ears and shaking brains in skulls. Eventually, Howard snapped. He slammed on the brakes. The car haulted suddenly. Vince flew forward, cracking his head on the dashboard.

"What are you doing you bumberclaat?" Vince screamed, "You could've broken my nose then! God knows I've broken it enough times!"

But Howard wasn't listening, he just punched the off button with a great formidable hand, looked at Vince very calmly and then said one very powerful word.

"Out."

Vince understood immediately. He undid his seatbelt and got angrily out of the car, yelling things about useless drivers and how Howard didn't understand him. He turned, glared at Howard and screamed;

"I hope you crash and die", before slamming the door as hard as he could. He attempted to give the car a kick but Howard had already sped off leaving Vince to choke on exhaust fumes, leg swiping at thin air.

*

_Vince had woken up later than he'd meant to. Already he had to decide between hair or make up. He didn't have time for both. Down the hall, he could hear Howard nervously scatting as he checked their bags for the seventeenth time. This was a bit of a new thing for them, holidaying alone together. Okay, so they'd been to the Goofy lodge a few times but it had always been with Naboo and Bollo. This was different, this was a 'proper holiday' as Vince insisted on calling it._

"_It's going to be perfect." he would say. "Completely perfect." _

_Unfortunately, this offhand comment had ground Howard's nerves to dust as he desperately tried to make this the most perfect holiday of all time. He didn't want to let his friend down._

_Speaking of which, the lazy sod should be eating breakfast by now, otherwise they wouldn't be at the airport the allotted hour and half before the flight left. Just as he was about to wake the younger man up, he heard footsteps padding up behind him and slender fingers dancing lightly on the small of his back. Did Vince still not understand his no touching rule?_

"_Morning," mumbled the accompanying voice. "What'cha doing?"_

"_Double checking." Howard said briskly, quickly detaching Vince from his back and continuing with his frantic list ticking._

"_You double checked last night."_

"_Triple checking then."_

_"You did that last night too, and then I heard you get out of your bed in the middle of the night to check again!"_

"_You can never be too careful."_

_"You can Howard, trust me… this" he said, lifting a hand written list for the lists of the lists for the lists that Howard had listed earlier that week, "is too careful."_

"_Hmm." grumbled Howard, flapping a hand at his friend as though he were a particularly aggravating fly. "Go away." he added, as though the gesture weren't clear enough on it's own. "And get ready."_

"_But, m'hungry… and thirsty. Is there any orange juice in the fridge?"_

_"Umm, yes. I think so." Howard sighed, not looking up as he checked his Hawaiian print shirts, he wasn't entirely convinced he'd packed his salmon coloured one. "Check the date." he added, when he heard the humming of the open fridge door. "And don't drink it straight out of the carton." but he suspected it was probably too late for that particular warning._

"_Aww, it'll be fine." Vince grinned, appearing in the doorway, carton in hand, slurping away noisily._

"_What about germs? I don't want to catch anything from you."_

_Vince raised an eyebrow and gave Howard an incredulous look. "We live in the same space, if I've got germs I reckon you've already got 'em."_

"_I don't want to take the risk."_

"_You're not going to drink from it anyway. We're leaving in an hour."_

"_That's not the point. Get a glass!"_

"_No. Everyone knows juice tastes better straight from specially designed cardboard. Anyway, you'll only make me wash the glass up and that'll be a waste of my time and water; see, I'm preventing global warming and what have you done? Used the tree's skin to write hundreds of pointless lists. I'm gonna ring the Queen and let her know that global warming it your fault."_

_"Hang on, are you trying to tell me don't want to wash up because your saving the planet?"_

_"Yes. Well, that **and** the Fairy Liquid makes my hands all dry and horrible. I think Naboo lied when he said it was made by real fairies. Faries wouldn't make something that made your hands feel like sand paper."_

_"Look, just get a glass."_

_"Bu-"_

"_**I'll **wash it." Howard interupted. He was getting flustered now; where was that bloody shirt? "I'll just add it to the list of a million and one things I have to do to properly get the flat ready for our departure, whilst you straighten your goddamn hair."_

_"S'alright. I'll stick with the box."_

_Howard gave a muffled cry of anger, stomped to the younger man, ripped the carton from his hand and poured the contents into a glass. _

_"Here." he growled handing it back before returning to his shirt pile._

"_Thanks Howard," giggled Vince, taking a slurp of juice. "Mmm, tastes much better now it's in a glass." Howard gritted his teeth but chose to rise above it. "Actually," Vince continued, "it tastes a bit funky."_

"_Don't drink it then!" Howard snapped._

_Vince felt a cruel sneer pull at the side of his face as he watched his friend going redder and redder. He began to wonder if it would be possible for Howard to explode like thermometers on cartoons when they get too hot. "Just calm down, will you. It's gonna be fine, stop being sooooo… tense." _

"_Aha." beamed Howard, opting to ignore his friend. "Found it!" He waved the hideous shirt salmon coloured Hawaiian in front of Vince's face._

"_You better not be wearing that." groaned Vince, "That's needs a wash in petrol and then needs to be formally introduced to Mr Bonfire."_

"_Will you shut up. I have to endure so many of your hideous clothes!"_

_"I'm voted best dressed in Cheekbone almost weakly. That on the other hand is going to bring about the death of fashion."_

"_Well, I'm not bothered if fashion dies."_

"_It'll also kill jazz and rainforests, fish, birds. The world will stop spinning and small children will all lose their dummy's at the same time, causing a crying frenzy so loud that mountains will crumble to dust."_

"_What? Just because I wear this shirt."_

"_Yes!"_

"_That's a lie, isn't it?"_

_"No!" Vince insisted, though he did at least have the decency to look sheepish._

"_Shut up, Vince." scowled Howard, pushing his way past the younger man to get to his suitcase. He was a little too forceful in his bad mood and managed to dislodge the glass in Vince's hand, sending orange liquid and shards of glass right across the living room and all down Howard's front, soaking straight through his muffin roll-neck. There was a strange silence for a while, whilst Howard registered what had just happened and took time to let his anger boil to a terrifying level._

_Vince let out a low whistled and said brightly; "You know, that wouldn't have happened if it had been in the carton."_

_"OUT!" bellowed Howard, shoving Vince towards the door of the room, "Go on, get out of my way." _

_"Where am I supposed to go?"_

_"I don't know anywhere, just not here."_

_Vince scowled and skulked off to the bathroom._

"_I need to get changed now coz of you so if you're going in there be quick."_

_"You can't rush perfection Howard."_

"_Well, then leave the door open or something."_

"_What so you can get revenge for the time I walked in on you in the shower in the zoo?" smirked Vince. "Remember that?"_

_Remember it? He hardly thought of anything else for over a month._

"_Oh Mrs Gideon." Vince moaned, giggling as he walked down the corridor, "Oh, your so beautiful. Feel the cream."_

"_I didn't say that!" shouted Howard, going red at the memory._

"_You should have!" laughed Vince, shutting the door behind him._

*

Vince was furious! He'd been walking for ages and he still had no idea where he was… well, that wasn't strictly true. He knew that there was that horrible tunnel not far away, the one that was full of chavs trying to slash you up. He didn't know what to do now, he didn't particularly want to risk his life today. Stupid Howard. Vince stuck out his hand and tried to flag a taxi. Well, that's how they did it on films. Eventually, a taxi took pity on him and pulled over but it quickly dropped Vince off a good few miles from the airport when he found out Vince didn't have any money.

Vince then walked, purposefully, in a direction which he hoped was the right one. Eventually, he saw a big sign for Heathrow and walked in as calmly as he could manage, although he really wasn't used to all this walking and his feet were killing him. He quickly spotted Howard, hunched over the desk talking patiently to a woman who looked as thick as a brick. Vince sidled up to him and grinned at the woman, happily.

"What's the problem?" he asked with a massive, incredibly forced smile on his face.

"Oh, you made it." growled Howard.

"Course I did. I'm unstoppable; Vince Noir, orienteering superstar. I have my own internal TomTom. And you knew I would, because my bags here, unless of course you were planning on wearing my clothes."

"Don't be ridiculous." Howard scowled, his cheeks going a little pink.

"I see you made it here too." Vince continued in the same infuriatingly happy tone, "Didn't take my advice then?"

Howard just narrowed his eyes (an impressive feat in itself) and looked back at the woman, beginning to plead with her about something.

"What's the problem?"

"Well this is a package holiday and apparently they don't let groups of the same sex stay in this hotel, which they're only just telling me now." Howard groaned.

"But there's only two of us, we're hardly a group." Vince pointed out. "What if we were a couple?"

"Are you a couple?" The bored looking woman asked from behind the desk.

"Would it make a difference?" asked Vince, sensing an opportunity to really aggravate Howard.

"Well, yes, if you're a couple then of course they'll accept you."

"Excellent." smiled Vince, pressing himself close to Howard and placing a hand on the older man's chest. "We're a couple, we're just having a few, erm, relationship problems" Howard thought Vince seemed to almost throw up at having to say the word 'relationship', as though his entire body was rejecting even the thought of such a thing. He couldn't help wonder what would happen if the little man ever came across the word commitment. "Can we get on our flight now, please?" Vince grinned.

"Absolutely sir and of course we'll alter the arrangements of the trip accordingly."

"Yeah, yeah, that's great. Thanks." smiled Vince, gazing lovingly up at Howard, who by now looked like he was using all his strength not to burst a blood vessel, or punch someone. The no touching rule was there for a reason.

They put the suitcases on the carousel, Vince telling the woman to be _extremely_ careful with his.

"Put a sticker on it, a handle with care sticker or something. I don't want it being thrown around. Howard, tell her."

The older man just shrugged and turned away angrily saying; "I don't care if they take all the clothes out and feed them to a pack of ravenous wildebeest."

Vince glared at the back of Howard's head and then turned back to the woman and smiled sweetly.

"He's just moody coz he didn't get any this morning." Vince explained, giggling furiously as the woman's eyes opened to unimaginable proportions and Howard grabbed his wrist and marched him away.

"Why did you have to say that?" he hissed, when they were out of ear shot.

"We're supposed to be a couple. I'm just making it seem believable." giggled Vince, in a way that probably indicated he was enjoying all this _far _to much. "Though this hand holding is helping." he nodded at the wrist Howard was crushing in his hand.

The older man quickly let go, let out a roar of frustration and stomped off to the in the corner Costa Coffee, he needed caffeine to calm his nerves. Vince ran off to play the slot machine and the grabber. He never won. He never even came close. Often he put the money in, aimed for the pink poodle and half way to retrieving the prize would change his mind and go for a silver unicorn, losing the chance to get either. Howard usually pulled him away from them but Howard really didn't care what Vince did at this moment in time. He just wanted to be as far from the younger man as was physically possible to be when you're about to spend two weeks in paradise with them.

Maybe this holiday wasn't such a good idea.

*

_Vince had locked the bathroom door, leaving Howard outside hammering the wood and screaming about how they should have left a good half an hour ago and something else about orange smelling clothes. Well, Vince hadn't been listening. He'd been __**far **__to busy completing his very complex hair ritual._

_Surprisingly quickly, considering that it was Vince and that he had to dress to be fashionable in not only England but France too, the electro poof was ready and sitting in the van, surrounded by luggage and emergency Numan cassettes. Howard watched his friend carefully as he put his seatbelt on and then ticked something on his list. This was ridiculous, Howard was organising all the fun out of their holiday._

"_Come on small eyes. You're ruining everything."_

_"I'm not at all. You must have heard the old adage; failing to prepare, is preparing to fail."_

_"Yeah, teachers use to say it. But, contrary to popular belief you're __**not**__ actually a geography teacher. Why don't you just get in the car?"_

"_Okay." sighed Howard, getting into the car. Maybe Vince had a point, he certainly hadn't enjoyed his holiday so far and Vince was making it quite clear he wasn't enjoying it. "Now, are you sure you've packed the medical case?"_

_"Errr, medical case?" Vince asked nervously._

"_It was the __**one**__ thing I asked you to do."_

"_It's not that important, is it?"_

_"It's vital to the enjoyment of the holiday."_

"_Alright, I'll do it now." grumbled Vince._

"_No!" cried the older man. "You stay there, if you go back in that house, you'll find another item of clothing you simply must bring with you and then we'll be here another hour. We're late enough already. I'll get it."_

"_Fine." growled Vince flopping back in the seat, wondering why he got so bloody excited about holidays every year, when this was undoubtedly the outcome, a whole load of fighting and an obnoxious Howard._

* * *

**Please review?**


	2. This is fun, isn't it?

**Thanks to Watcha, RoxxiSanders, xxpipxx, maybe_my_dear, LDNatalie and swisstony for reviewing. I bring you speedy update!**

**Author's Note: Apology for terrible attempt at writing the French accent.**

* * *

Vince had dropped the happy couple act on the plane. He'd been far too excited at the suitcase roulette to even think about annoying Howard and he'd stopped all the involuntary touching completely by the time they reached the hotel. It wouldn't last. They (or more specifically Howard) had dragged their bags to the reception desk and now they were being eyed with confusion by the woman who was checking them in.

"Er, I'm sorry sir but, er, we do not accept zee, er, same sex groups."

Suddenly, Vince took it upon himself to walk up and kiss Howard on the cheek.

"Problem?" he asked sweetly, taking one of Howard's hands from the desk and linking the large fingers with his own.

"Erm, no Monsieur. C'est bon. C'est bon. Okay. It's fine. Erm, ah oui. Okay. Zee room is on er, zee top floor. You uze the er, elevator over zer and you go to floor number zeven. Erm, someone will bring your bagz up in a moment. Erm, enjoy your stay Monsieur."

"Merci." beamed Vince, using his linked hand with Howard to drag his friend to the lift.

"This is fun, isn't it?" he grinned as the doors closed slowly, cutting them off from the reception.

"No." scowled Howard, snatching his hand back. "And don't touch me."

"Bit hard, we're _supposed_ to be a couple."

"Don't. There's plenty of couples, who aren't constantly holding hands or kissing in public."

"Yeah, well I'm not really one of those people."

"And this isn't really a relationship."

Vince had to admit that Howard did have a point and they'd managed to get through the whole plane journey without fighting. Granted, Howard had been asleep for most of it and Vince had watched Ratatouille in the hope of picking up some French but still, there was no pointless bickering. Maybe Vince could stop annoying Howard _quite _so much. After all, he _had _apologised for driving off without him or at least he'd mumbled something that sounded like sorry and that was enough for Vince.

"This is our floor!" beamed the younger, running out of the lift to find a neatly decorated corridor with a deep red carpet. "What number are we?"

"Umm, 105."

"Genius!" Vince cried, virtually skipping down the corridor towards the room. It was a double door, with gold plated numbers, Vince slid the card into the lock and pushed the door open to reveal an amazing sight. The room was huge, giant windows, four rooms, like something in a fairy tale. The bathroom had a massive Jacuzzi bath, and a shower that looked like it would take you to outer-space if you let it. The whole place was full of mood-lighting lamps and fashionable throws and cushions laced with gold.

"I reckon this room is saved specially for gay men. Look at this." Vince grinned, lifting a pink fluffy cushion from one of the chairs.

"Don't stereotype, Vince." warned Howard, suddenly spotting the only major problem with the room. The colour drained from his face; well this was all he needed.

"Wow!" grinned Vince, suddenly leaping onto the bed, jumping up and down making the springs groan in protest. Howard tried not to think how this would sound next door. "Look at this bed!" Vince cried.

"I am looking at it."

"It's so… bouncy and giant!"

"And the only one in the room." Howard moaned.

The jumping stopped.

"Oh." frowned Vince. "Well, I guess, if we were a couple that wouldn't bother us. I don't think it bothers me anyway but you can sleep on the sofa if it's gonna make you question your manliness."

"I'm not questioning anything." Howard frowned, "And _you_ are on the sofa sonny-Jim."

"I'm not!" Vince cried. "You're worried about the bed, you're on the sofa! Thems the rules!"

"I'll ask downstairs if they can change the room."

"You can't do that! We're supposed to be in love or something."

"I'll tell them we've fallen out of love and we're breaking up as soon as we get home."

"Aww. But I love you Howard." Vince giggled, placing his arms around Howard's waist and resting his head on the bigger man's back.

"Don't touch me." Howard growled, shoving Vince away roughly.

*

After the bags had arrived and Howard had unpacked all of their clothes, putting them in their designated draws and wardrobes, they went to find lunch.

"I'm boiling." Vince moaned as the southern sun beat mercilessly down on them.

"Well, you should have brought some more appropriate clothing. Take me for example; this little shorts and t-shirt ensemble is the perfect attire for a-"

"skip?" Vince finished politely.

"Well, at least I'm not sweating all over my shirt."

"I'm not sweating. I don't sweat." protested Vince, "I've got Arctic Breeze Deodorant on. Keeps me cool as a penguin."

"Stop moaning then."

"But my legs are hot."

"Buy shorts."

"Ergh! No way!" Vince cried, as though the suggestion had been 'give me your kidney' or 'purchase a dead baby'.

"What's wrong with shorts?"

"They're so… ugh."

"Ugh?" Howard repeated, steering them left down a small path, which ran past the swimming pool.

"I'm all about skinny jeans or all in one suits. You can't get skinny shorts… not really. All shorts are skinny or worn by fat people."

"I'm wearing shorts!"

Vince stayed purposefully quiet and Howard gritted his teeth.

*

Lunch was a buffet, which for Howard meant a chance to savour some of the French delicacies and to Vince meant all you can eat ice-cream.

"You should really get some substantial food down you. We're going on a walking tour later, you're going to need all your energy for that."

"ij ike imfcrme e wassa wpmin temr?" Vince asked as he shovelled ice cream into his mouth.

"In English?"

Vince then had the pure audacity to sigh loudly and purposefully licked every smidge of ice cream off his spoon before putting it in his bowl and repeating himself slowly, as though it were Howard who had the single brain cell.

"I said; I like ice-cream and what's a walking tour?"

"It's a brisk walk along a designated path which takes us to all the most interesting historical landmarks in Languedoc-Roussillon."

"But I thought Langoodoc-rouson or whatever it's called is _huge._"

"It is. We're not walking the whole thing. We're not even walking the whole of this town. We're just going to follow this woman with an umbrella and she shows us nice monuments, which are close."

"Like the Eiffel tower?"

"No, that's in Paris."

"Mona Lisa?"

"Paris."

"Hunchback of Notre Dame?"

"Disney. But the Cathedral is in Paris."

"If all this stuff's in Paris, why are we in Langooroonson?"

"We're not, we're in Languedoc-Roussillon."

"S'what I said."

"It's nothing like what you said and we're here because there's sea near by and you insisted we stay close to the beach. _Oooo, can we go near the beach? Ooo can we buy a bucket and spade? Oooo, will we be able to go in the sea? Will there be dolphins? Can I swim with a seahorse? Will there be a pool? Can I buy and inflatable… snail?_"

"Shut up. I didn't do that." frowned Vince.

"You absolutely did."

"Well, I'm not going on a boring walking tour." Vince sulked, pushing his murky ice-cream bowl across the table like a child who's been told they have to eat their vegetables.

"Course you're not. You're just going to go back to the room with the air conditioning on full blast and then maybe pop down to the pool later and try and pull that cheap tart, who keeps winking at you from behind the pool bar."

"Is that what you think of me?" Vince asked coolly, "D'you honestly think that there's nothing else?"

"Well…" Howard trailed off.

"Have fun on your stupid trip Howard." Vince cried, forcing his chair back so hard that it clattered noisily against the concrete floor. The entire food hall turned to watch as an angry young man flounced dramatically away from an older man, who was turning slowly red as he tried to hide by burying his nose in a tourist guide.

*

Vince felt sick and more than a bit stupid. He didn't know what had happened but suddenly he'd needed to get away from all of Howard's eye-rolling and condescending remarks. Vince didn't want to feel thick anymore. He wanted Howard to see him like an equal not just like some stupid child, who thought with his dick. And Vince wasn't stupid, not really. He knew about things like fashion, animals, zoo keeping, shop keeping, all types of keeping (except maybe time) and hairstyles, he knew lots about them. At home, this would be the moment he would ring Leroy and they'd meet up at the velvet onion and get hammered. But in France, this is the moment he goes to the mini bar and downs as many miniscule bottles of booze as he can find, which are just adequate to get him drunk enough to collapse face down on the bed, snoring lightly.

And that's how Howard found him hours later when he was back from his 'walking tour', sprawled out across the bed, shirt creased and air conditioning on full blast.

"Typical." he scowled, throwing his bag onto Vince's back. The younger man woke with a start and forced his knuckles into his eyes to wake himself up.

"Hey." he said groggily.

"How much have you had?" Howard asked coldly.

"Ummm, finished off that little fridge."

"What little fridge?"

"The one in the corner."

"Please tell me you're joking."

"No, why?"

"That's the minibar Vince, it cost an absolute fortune. I knew I couldn't leave you alone. You've probably drunk €50 worth of alcohol."

"But I thought it was free, like our fridge at home."

Howard just rolled his eyes and sat down to pull his shoes off.

"Why d'you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Go all." Vince rolled his eyes, in exact mimicry of Howard, "on me."

"What?"

"You always do it." Vince groaned, sitting up as he allowed the alcohol to fuel his subconscious insanity. "Act as though I'm this stupid child that you're stuck with."

Howard stared at him for a moment, watching Vince's blue eyes roll loosely in the sockets, before concluding; "You're just drunk. You don't know what your saying."

"I'm thinking clearly." Vince insisted, "If you hate me so much, why are you always with me?"

"I don't hate you."

"But you never want to spend time with me anymore."

"I do."

"So take me to the beach tomorrow."

Howard felt his eyes start to roll upwards in their sockets but he managed to stop them just in time and said; "Okay, sounds great little man."

"Excellent."

Then there was the more pressing matter of the food. They both grabbed a shower before heading down the road for tea. There'd been bickering over which restaurant they should go in, then bickering as to whether they should go on to a club afterwards, then involving which side of the bed they were going to sleep on. Eventually, they'd fallen asleep perched right on the edge of either side of the bed, avoiding any kind of physical contact. That's not how they stayed…

* * *

**Please Review?**

**Also, does anyone reading this speak French at all? I'm doing it for A-level but I'm hardly very good and i've tried to put some French in the next bit. Just wondering if someone could check the next chapter for me. Thanks.**


	3. La Femme Laide est Enceinte

**Hiya!  
So, yeah. Surprise, it's me SisiDraig. lol. Umm, basically I did this story and a few others on this account because i found the concept a lil bit... embaressing? Risque? I don't know to be honest with you! It seemed like a good idea at the time, seems like a slightly pointless idea now...**

**Anyway, Thanks to: RoseNoir90, RoxxiSanders, BritaniaControl 1.0, xxpipxx and Watcha for reviewing!!**

**And a massive thanks to Watcha for beta'ing some of it for me! Thank you! Or should i say _merci!_ =]**

* * *

Howard slept flat on his back with almost military stillness. He was always cold, always looking for something warm to heat him up. It wasn't his fault, he'd always slept like that.

Vince wriggled and fidgeted in his sleep, kicking his legs and scrabbling about, always clutching and grabbing at things, a pillow, a duvet, a friend. It certainly wasn't his fault, he'd always slept like that too.

It really wasn't any surprise that two bodies, in the same bed with such conflicting, yet perfectly matched, sleeping patterns would suddenly find peace when they collided. Howard wrapping his arm around a warm skinny body. Vince lying half on top of a larger body the ultimate thing to hold as he slept. It was simply natural that they would fit as perfectly together in sleep as they did in wake, like two opposite pieces of a jigsaw. It just made sense that as soon as the connection was made, the grip was tightened and the hold was close. It was natural but it wasn't welcome.

Vince woke first and leapt out of the bed like a burnt puppy, yelping and squealing and waking Howard with a jump.

"Wha'appened? Don't touch me! I know wing chung." Howard babbled, arms flailing wildly. When he'd calmed down a bit and his eyes had focused, he spotted Vince running back and forth from the bathroom with hundreds of complimentary soaps.

"Vince, what are you doing?"

"I," Vince bent his neck forward and breathed in deeply, "aww, I smell of you."

"Why would you smell of me?"

"I dunno, maybe coz you cuddle raped me."

"Cuddle rape?"

"Yeah, I was just sleeping away and when I wake up I'm being pinned to your chest. Oh. Oh. You better not still have that chest defection. Do you?"

"…"

"Argh! You do!" And the frantic soap finding started up again. "Urgh! Is it contagious?"

"…"

"Howard! Is it contagious?"

"…"

"HOWARD!"

"What?"

"Is it?"

"Vince it's gone." he sighed. "It was dried oatmeal."

That provoked a snort of laughter; "It was what?"

"Oatmeal. You know what our hygiene was like in that place."

"Speak for yourself. I had a nice steamy shower everyday."

"Yeah, I know." Howard remembered bitterly. That had a lot to do with why Howard had chance to wash, Vince always used to waste all the hot water and Howard had always let him.

--

Later that day, they went down to the beach and Howard couldn't fail to notice Vince taking a good hard look at his chest, just to be sure there weren't any weird grainy leftovers.

The rest of the holiday continued in much the same way. Except Howard had chosen to sleep on the couch, he couldn't risk anymore embarrassing wake up calls. Apart from that it was all little rows, random touches from Vince as they continued to convince the resort they were in love and snide insults as they tried to convince themselves they weren't. After a week of being cooped up in the hotel, Howard decided to hire a car.

"Why?" groaned Vince.

"Because then we can go somewhere else, see the sights."

"But I like this hotel, I don't need sights.."

They'd argued for a while but Vince had quickly given up when he'd seen the opportunity to hire a small red convertible. So that was how they ended up racing down a French road, with the roof down and Gary Numan blaring through the speakers. Trust Vince to have thought tapes were important enough to bring. Suddenly, Vince fell very quiet. Howard looked across to find the younger man seeming paler than normal, skin grey and eyes squeezed shut.

"You okay, little man?" he asked.

"Howa-" Vince started and then closed his mouth quickly as though talking could only make things worse. "Pull over. Pull over." he cried desperately. Howard swerved to the side of the road and slammed on the breaks. Vince leapt quickly out of the car and dropped to his knees behind a bush, vomiting horribly. Howard got out too and rubbed his friend's back.

"Hey. You were alright earlier. What's happened?" he asked, when Vince had stood up and wiped his mouth with his sleeve.

"I dunno." he moaned, resting his head on Howard's shoulder. "I've felt a bit weird everyday since we got here but I've got better during the day and by the evening I'm fine again."

"D'you want to go back to the room?"

Vince shook his heavy head. "No, let's go wherever you wanted to."

"You sure?"

"Yeah." he nodded, smiling up at Howard, though he looked exhausted and his eyes didn't quite shine in the way they should. Howard took him back to the hotel.

--

The next morning, Howard woke up the sound of Vince throwing up in the bathroom. He walked in to find his friend hunched over the toilet, eyes streaming and his stomach aching.

Vince had calmed down and was slumped weakly against the older man groaning lightly.

"Vince," Howard soothed, running his hand through his friends sweat-drenched hair, "I think we should get you to the doctors."

"I'm not going to the doctors."

"Yes you are."

"But -"

"But nothing."

Despite Howard's insistence, it still took him three more mornings of Vince vomiting to finally convince the younger man to see a professional.

Howard ended up paying for the doctors bill, simply because Vince had refused to waste his money on such a pointless jaunt; "It'll just be a hangover." Vince had moaned but Howard had watched Vince carefully over this holiday and he'd hardly drunk anything stronger than a coke since about the second day. Howard wasn't sure why this was exactly but he wasn't about to argue, it was nice to see Vince just enjoying life without all the alcohol pounding through his veins.

"Erm, Monsieur Noir. Vous êtes prêt?"

"What?"

"Erm, are you ready? Ze doctor will, erm, examine you."

"Oh, right. Thanks, erm, I mean, _merci_."

"It's ze um, la troisième porte."

"Huh?"

"Ze… troi- Err. Amy!" The receptionist called to a young woman, who was dusting carefully around a bowl of plastic fruit. "Comment dit-on 'la troisième porte' en anglais?"

"Third door." The girl answered in what was an unmistakably British accent. "Pourquoi?"

"Cet homme ne parle pas français. J'essaye de me rappeler des mots pour troisième et porte mais je n'ai pas parlé anglais depuis l'école! Aide-moi !"

"Oh." Amy smiled prettily at Vince and he grinned back, oozing false confidence. "What seems to be the problem Mr, er…"

"Vince. Call me Vince." he beamed another megawatt smile at her and she melted like candyfloss in the rain."Thank you Vince."

"Ah, you mean _merci_." he purred, making her giggle like a someone who'd just heard a filthy joke.

"I do, yes." she said. "You sound like a native."

"Mm, 'cept I don't know what the natives are saying."

"Well, would you like me to come in with you?" Then, seeing the looks of confusion as Vince and Howard eyed the duster she was holding, she clarified quickly;

"I am a trained doctor. I'm just trying to learn the French medical language before I get started on saving people's lives."

"Oh, right."

"So if your friend would like to wait here, we'll take you to that room and get you checked out."

"I think you're already checking me out." Vince grinned, causing another giggle to burst forth from the aspiring doctor. Howard groaned, she must be an intelligent woman but right now she was just as giggly and girly as all the other Camden dolly birds that Vince wrapped round his finger.

He followed Amy closely down the narrow corridor and into a small room was covered in posters saying things like; 'Do you have a nose? Then you've got swine flu.' Well, probably not that but Vince couldn't read the French or make out the bizarre photos. At the far side of the room was a large wooden desk and sat behind it, an old man typing furiously on an old computer. His eyebrows were so thick and grey that they almost covered his eyes but a tiny pair of jet black peepers peered through the grey bush.

"Ah, voilà." the man croaked, on seeing his patient. "Vince Noir,correcte?"

"Oui." Amy answered quickly.

"D'accord. S'il vous plaît, asseyez-vous Madame Noir."

Vince remembered that from school and parked himself neatly on the swivel-chair by the desk.

"Bonjour madame, je m'appelle Docteur Houri. Maintenant, c'est quoi le problème?"

Vince's eyes widened as he watched the doctor's mouth move and indistinguishable sounds came out. Vince felt like crying, his French wasvery much limited to the usual _bonjour, au revoir, merci_ and the old failsafes like _un Flirtini s'il vous plaît_ and of course he'd watched Moulin Rouge enough times to know _voulez_ _vous coucher avec moi, ce soir? _but he was fairly sure he couldn't use that now. He giggled out loud at the thought. Dr Houri would probably have kittens. Speaking of which, the doctor was glaring at him angrily now;

"Madame Noir, vous comprenez la question, non?"

Vince looked anxiously at Amy, who rattled off something very long, very complicated and very French in the direction of the doctor.

"Ah, okay." Dr Houri suddenly smiled kindly at Vince, "Vince, I speak little English donc, erm, so, Amy she asks questions and you say to her how are you sick, n'est-ce pas?"

Vince nodded and looked to Amy.

"Sorry," he sighed, "I'm being really awkward I can tell."

"No, it's fine. We just don't get that many tourists here, not really. They tend to go to Paris."

"That's coz everything worth seeing is in Paris." Vince sulked.

"Hmm, so tell me Vince, what are your symptoms?"

Vince's face crinkled at the complicated word. "Problems. What are the problems?"

"Umm, well I threw up a couple of days ago when we were driving in the car and that's weird because I don't get travel sick."

Amy re-laid this information to Dr Houri, who quickly typed it onto his screen.

"And I've felt really sick every morning since we got to France but it gets better as the day goes on."

More translating from Amy then she nodded at Vince to continue.

"I keep getting tired too but I think it's from all the walking Howard's making me do."

"Okay. Well, we'll put it down anyway. Anything else you can think of?"

"Headaches, but Howard thinks that's because I'm not drinking enough water. I don't like water though. It's so… bland." Vince's face screwed up as though it were the ultimate insult. "And…" he blushed suddenly, "No." he decided, "That's it."

"Vince!" Amy warned, "What were you going to say? It could be important."

Vince shook his head defiantly but there was something about Amy's stare that told him he was going to cave in.

"Fine." he sighed, looking really miserable "My nipples hurt they're really… sore."

Vince saw the doctor's eyebrow quirk as Amy repeated this new information.

"Umm, d'accord." Dr Houri said after a few moments. "C'est très simple. La femme laide est enceinte."

Vince frowned. The what is what?

"Mais c'est impossible!" exclaimed Amy, "Ce n'est pas une femme. C'est un homme!"

"Non, regarde-la. C'est une femme, une femme enceinte."

"Non!"

"...Peut-être un transsexuel enceinte?" Dr Houri suggested.

Woah! Transsexual? What the hell were they talking about?

"Excuse me." Vince piped up, in a very small voice. "Amy, what's'enceinte' mean?"

The young woman looked at her patient and gave a very small smile, "I think we should bring your friend in here."

* * *

**If you speak French it's a cliff-hanger. If not and you want to know what's happening just babble fish - "La femme laide est enceinte." I think that's all you need to know!**

**Please Review?**


	4. Ovary Juice

**Thanks to; RoxxiSanders, Shrink to Be, xXxBooshLoverxXx, electro-budgie, Britanita Control 1.0, LDNatalie, Stephanie Lynn, Sara Noir and swisstony for reviewing!!**

* * *

"Pregnant!?" cried Vince, looking from Amy to Dr Houri to Howard and back again. "I can't get pregnant I'm a man. I can't get pregnant! Can I?"

"No you bloody can't." Howard joined in.

"Well, I know you're a man but perhaps you _were_ a woman? Have you undergone any form of transgender surgery?"

"No I have not!" Vince yelled indignantly, "How dare you?!"

"Well I just thought that should you have only undergone maybe 50% of the surgery and you and your partner here had sexual intercourse…"

"He is _not _my partner." Howard said quickly; _too_ quickly, Vince thought.

"And he's a virgin." Vince jerked his thumb in the direction of Howard, who turned a vibrant shade of red and hissed at the younger man to 'shut the hell up'.

"I'm sorry Vince but if it's not that then… well then I don't know what it is. Maybe some sort of flu or…"

"Some doctors this is." Howard grumbled, "What kind of idiot diagnoses a man with pregnancy?"

"Pregnancy isn't really a diagnosis, Mr Moon. It's more of a realisation," said Amy, "And I _am_ very sorry for offending you Vince but all the signs add up. And, well, you do _look_ a bit like a woman."

"Well, yeah. I'm the confuser. Is it a man? Is it a woman? Ooo, I'm…"

"What," Howard interrupted before his friend could finish his stupid little speech, "would you prescribe for Vince then? We're going home in a few days. I'd like him to be better by the time we get on the plane."

"Well then I'd suggest analgesic for the general pain and antihistamine or antipyretic for the sickness."

"Great that's all we needed to know." Howard said briskly, pushing the younger man towards the door.

"But Vince," Amy called after them, her tone very serious "If there is any chance, _any _chance at all that you could be pregnant then don't take the drugs. You'll damage the baby."

"I'm not a transsexual!" he cried, "I can't be pregnant."

*

"What's wrong with you? Just take the tablets."

"But, what if-"

"If you're going to suggest that the mad doctor was right I will come at you like a mighty bazooka, sir."

"But, I mean… stranger things have happened, Howard."

"No Vince, I really don't think they have."

"Oh come on Howard! Lester's head still being able to talk, that's strange. A man with a pie for a head, _that _is strange, talking to animals, meeting a green man-witch, kidnapped by a deep-sea transsexual, being trapped in a box, nearly raped by a yeti, parker people, travelling to monkey hell and back - by taxi…"

"Alright, I get your point but this is _too_ weird Vince. Even you must see that."

*

The plane skidded and creaked to halt on the runway, the passengers cheered the successful landing and Vince threw up into a brown paper bag. He looked apologetically at Howard.

"I'm sorry." he groaned, flopping back against the chair. He was exhausted.

It had been pretty much the same since they left France; Vince hurling then apologizing, guts aching, throat redraw in protest. Why hadn't he just taken the stupid tablets?

"Don't be." Howard sighed, squeezing the younger man's arm gently, "We're here now. You can have a nice quiet sit down whilst I get our bags."

Vince was still pale when they walked outside into the cool London air. His legs were shaking a little, so Howard let him sit on the suitcase trolley and be pushed like a princess… or a baby. Vince shivered as the callous British wind closed in around him. He missed the French sun as he pulled the many layers of clothes he was wearing tighter around him and tried to hold down the nauseas feeling that was still attacking his throat from the stomach up. Vince hated being ill, he wasn't very good at it. He couldn't stand being forced to stay indoors and he hated the 'no alcohol rule' that Howard would so viciously impose. He whined too, all the time, moaned about how unfair it all was, whilst Howard and Bollo would run round after him.

They arrived back at the flat quite late. All either of them wanted to do was crash out on the sofa for a while before making the long trip to bed, there own beds, separate beds, at last. Thank God. But as soon as they'd lulled themselves into near relaxation, they were greeted by the stony face of an angry shaman and a gorilla bearing gifts, well one gift - a lovely, new, black and silver cowboy hat for Vince. Naboo, was less welcoming.

"Oi, you two ballbags, which one of you drank my potion?" he frowned.

"What potion?" Vince asked.

"My Ovary Juice."

"Ovary Juice. What the hell is that?"

"It's a fertility potion I've been brewing up for the Harrison's. I left it in the fridge. It was in a very clearly marked carton."

The two men looked at each other, remembering all too clearly the funny tasting Orange Juice but neither said a word.

"Well." the shaman insisted, "Don't look all blank. One of you must have drunk it."

"Umm, what does Ovary Juice taste like, Naboo?" Vince questioned nervously.

"It was you, wasn't it?" he snapped, "I knew it. I knew I should have chained it up, not that that would have stopped you. You just can't resist drinking anything you see, can you Vince? You're always going through my stuff. I can't trust you at all. You're like a bloody child I…" he stopped, suddenly, "Are you crying?"

Vince shook his head defiantly but he was; big, fat tears of self-pity rolling slowly down his cheeks.

"M'sorry." he sobbed, as Howard instinctively put a protective arm around his friend's shoulders, "I didn't mean to."

"Well, erm." Naboo looked stuck, as though backing down was weak and persevering was mean. "I mean, it isn't that bad Vince." he sighed. "I can just brew some more. In fact, I've already brewed more. So… Look stop crying!"

"I'm trying." Vince promised, the tears sticking his words in his throat. "M'sorry. I'll… I'll stop." he sniffed, rubbing his face with his sleeve. "I think I'm just a bit overemotional. Just tired maybe."

"He's not very well." Howard explained, removing his arm from Vince's shoulders as though just realising how intimate that gesture actually was. "He's been ill the entire time we were on holiday."

"Oh."

"We went to the doctor-"

"Fat lot a good they were." Vince cut in, sniffing sorrowfully "They just thought I was some ugly pregnant transsexual."

"Oh?" Naboo repeated, but this time his eyebrow cocked and he looked almost interested. "Why? What's wrong with you Vince?"

"You know, the usual; headaches, backache, throwing up, tired all the time and I keep getting these weird stomach cramps."

"Howard?" Naboo looked carefully at the older man, "You didn't come into contact with any of the potion, did you?"

"Absolutely not, sir. Howard Moon observes the rules that are set in place and follows them accordingly."

"Well, you did." Vince said, almost cruelly, as though dropping Howard in it would somehow soften his own involvement. "You spilt it all over yourself. Remember?"

"Well, er, yes, but that was _your _fault. I didn't drink it."

"You didn't have to." Naboo mused. Then; "You know Vince, I'd like to have a look in that stomach of yours, if that's alright."

"Oh no." cried Howard, "I'm not getting shrunk down and going in there again."

"Calm down." sighed Naboo, "I've got an ultrasound machine in the attic. Go and get it will you Bollo."

The gorilla grunted his disapproval but still disappeared to retrieve the item.

"Why d'you have one of those?" Howard asked.

"I don't know." the shaman shrugged, "I think I won it in a game of poker against Denis."

"But Naboo, surely I don't need it." Vince said, "I can't be pregnant. I'm a…"

"…man. Yes, I know but you and Howard both came into contact with the potion and now you've got all these pregnancy symptoms and there's a sorta 'I'm pregnant' glow about you. Plus, you're weeping like a woman, I mean you're clearly hormonal."

"I'm not!" Vince cried, tears threatening to spill again.

"See." Naboo smirked a little "And it's worth checking it out anyway. Make sure you haven't swallowed any beads again."

Vince blushed, "That wasn't my fault." He protested. "They looked like sweets."

"Naboo." Howard interupted before shaman and electro-poof could begin the argument over whether sweets and beads look the same, "even if we have both come into contact with the potion, we haven't had… erm," he reddened a little, "relations of a sexual nature."

"Yeah. We ain't shagged." agreed Vince.

Naboo raised a disbelieving eyebrow. Did _no one _believe two thirty-something men could live together and be virtually inseparable all their lives _without _the urge to leap in each other's beds? But, everyone let the slightly awkward moment pass and the shaman just said;

"Well, that doesn't matter. Tony and Mrs Harrison haven't had sex either. They haven't even got reproductive organs. On their planet, they brew up this potion, one drinks it, the other bathes in it and then they just have to hold each other long enough for the potion to get to work out the genetics and stuff. Then, just like that, a little baby embryo starts growing in the belly of the one who drank the potion."

"Where's the fun in that?" scorned Vince.

"Umm, there is none, as far as I can see. But it's better than what happens on my planet." Naboo said, preparing to pull down his trousers.

"No it's okay." Vince cried "We all saw it when you flashed at Howard's party."

"I thought we weren't going to mention that particular evening ever again." Howard hissed.

"Alright. Calm down. I never mentioned what happened on the roof."

"What happened on the roof?" Naboo asked interestedly.

"Nothing." Howard gabbled.

"Yeah, get lost Naboo, I don't kiss and tell." Vince chimed and then gasped, clasping a hand over his runaway mouth.

"What did you say?" Naboo smirked.

Vince shook his head furiously, eyes bulging in horror and mumbling something which was totally lost beneath his palm.

"Did you say you didn't-"

"SO!" Howard interrupted, too quickly and _much_ too loudly. "Umm," he fumbled for a topic and it didn't take long for the question to burst from his lips. "Can Vince only be pregnant if we were in contact for a long time?"

Naboo nodded and looked over his shoulder, tapping his watch impatiently. "Where is that flaming familiar? I knew I should have got an upgrade. They had a great wild bandicoot going cheep in Camden market, take you're old familiar in as a deposit and everything. It was a great deal."

"Well, that's okay then." Howard beamed at Vince, "It seems my 'no touching' rule has saved us again, little man."

"What d'you mean _again_?" snorted the younger man, "When has it ever saved us in the past? And it hasn't even saved us this time… remember that first night in the hotel. You cuddled raped me, remember?"

Howard clearly did as all the colour started to drain from his face, leaving him pale and pasty.

"Oh God." he gasped. "Oh no. You're… you're actually pregnant."

"Don't get ahead of yourselves." warned the shaman as Bollo appeared, dragging a large machine carelessly behind him. Naboo flicked the on/off switch; nothing happened. He scratched his head thoughtfully and began to fiddle with all various switches and wires.

"I'm going to be a dad." Vince whispered in stunned disbelief, as Naboo's next attempt to kick-start the machine into life failed miserably.

"Me too." Howard echoed the tone.

"Wait! Am I going to get fat? Naboo. Oh my god, what about my clothes?"

"Never mind that, what about the media? We can't let anyone know we're harbouring a pregnant man." Naboo said, as he handed Bollo the plug angrily and the ape slunk off to put it in the socket.

"How's the baby going to come out Naboo? Caesarean?" Howard asked, practical as always.

"What's that?" Vince questioned, eyes widening suddenly. He'd only seen one birth and it hadn't looked very pleasant, the baby had just exploded out of that woman's stomach and then she'd died. He didn't want to die. He mentioned this to Howard.

"That was Alien, Vince. Not caesarean."

"Oh yeah."

"Caesarean is where they cut the mother's stomach open and take the baby out."

"That sounds just as bad! I'm not letting anyone cut into my stomach. I don't want anymore scars down there."

"Never mind scars, that's months away." Howard said, "More pressingly, if you _are_ pregnant that's no nights out for at least… oh, I don't know, two years."

Suddenly, there was a loud high pitched scream. Vince started running around the room, shrieking at the top of his voice;

"**NABOO! GET IT OUT OF ME! I DON'T WANT A BABY! I'M NOT OLD ENOUGH! HOWARD STOP LAUGHING! I HATE YOU! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME!**"

"Vince." Naboo soothed, "we don't even know if there _is _a baby yet."

"Anyway," Howard added, "It wouldn't be all bad. You could teach a baby boy to play football and throw shapes and you could teach a little girl to do her hair nice and play with dollies."

"Excuse me." Vince frowned, stopping his manic running to stand, hands on hips, glaring at Howard, "There will be no gender separation for my child. If my daughter likes football then that's fine and if I have a son who wants to play with dolls, that is also fine."

"No son of mine is going to have a doll."

"Howard, you are about to find out whether you've got a man pregnant. I think it's a bit late for a gender role separation, don't you?"

Howard couldn't really say anything to that, so he just stayed silent until Naboo finally gave a clap of satisfaction and the ultrasound machine whirred into life.

"Right Vince, come and lie down over here and we'll have a look what's going on in there."

Vince nodded and took a few terrified steps over to the sofa. He sat on it and flung his legs around slowly.

"Pull your shirt up." Naboo ordered. Vince nodded and did as he was told, exposing a very skinny torso, surely a baby couldn't even fit in there. It wouldn't matter if they were only the size of a penut. "Right, we haven't got any of that proper jelly stuff, so we're going to use some lime jelly that Bollo made earlier. It works just as well."

"Whatever." Vince winced as the jelly hit his pale stomach and Naboo's tiny hands smoothed it all out as he pressed the cold metal part of the machine onto the jelly.

"Ah Jeez Naboo, that's freezing. Where is this attic? In the arctic?"

"Yes." Naboo answered simply. The shaman watched the screen with interest, a small smile creeping across his face and then a large frown.

"What?" Howard asked anxiously, "What can you see? Is there a baby?"

"Umm…" Naboo hummed, moving the metal thing around more frantically on Vince's stomach. His eyebrows knitting closely together. A confused and panicked expression took over his features as he peered more carefully at the small screen ahead of him. "No." he answered eventually.

"Oh." said Vince. "Well, that's good, isn't it? I don't think I'd have wanted to miss out on all those nights of clubbing or anything and I like my outfits." But his tone was flat. Anyone with half an ear could tell that he was lying.

"No, that's not what I meant." Naboo said, still studying the screen with the same unreadable expression. "Vince," he questioned after a moment or two, "how much of that potion did you actually drink?"

"Ummm, about half of it? I'm not sure, why?"

"Well," he said shakily. "You've got _three_ babies in there; at least. Might be four I can't tell one the kid's hair is so big it's blocking most of my view. And… well, I swear that one's got a moustache." he frowned, turning the monitor to face Vince and Howard.

They looked up to see three weird shapes floating, ghost-like, amongst the black lines of the ultrasound. One, the one with big hair, seemed to be attempting to take up the entire screen, it was loving the attention. The other two looked asthough they were trying to peer past the mass of hair. The one on the left even seemed to give the central blob a bit of a shove and Naboo was right, that one did look like it had a moustache.

"Reckon that one's yours, small eyes." Vince laughed breathily, pointing at the moustached one. "And that one's mine." he grinned as the floating, ghost-shape with hair pulled a Numan-esque pose, seeming to 'accidentally' land an elbow square in the moustached shapes… well, moustache. "And that one probably belongs to a bell boy or something." Vince said, pointing at their other blob, which seemed less animated than the other two. "Seeing as I only had to touch someone to get pregnant."

"Don't be ridiculous Vince," Naboo sighed, "All the children are yours and Howard." And then he frowned, because wasn't that a slightly ridiculous truth in itself.

"Yeah, they're all ours." Howard choked, placing his hand tentatively on Vince's stomach as the moustached shape pulled on the big-haired shape's big hair and a miniature fight ensued. "I'm not surprised you keep throwing up all the time, with all that going on in there." Howard said in a half-laugh, half-sob. Vince stopped watching the blobs wrestling, to beam at Howard.

"You're crying." he smiled, placing his hand over Howard's and squeezing his fingers tightly.

"No." Howard retaliated, wiping the tears from his own cheeks. "You are."

"I know I am." smiled Vince, "I'm so happy." he laughed, turning his attention back to the screen.

"Mmm, me too little man." Howard agreed, pressing a gentle, slightly tearful kiss into his friend's hair. "Me too."

* * *

**I know that at two weeks, embyo's are still a lil clump of cells but... meh. When has the Boosh ever been factual?? I think that's one of the reasons we love it so much!**

**Please Review?**


	5. Names ect

**Thanks to; Captain-Jana-Sparrow, RoxxiSanders, Shrink to Be, stars of andromeda, swisstony, xXxBooshLoverxXx, LDNatalie, maybe_my_dear, watcha and Britania Conrtol 1.0 for reviewing!!**

* * *

"Names?" Vince announced, as he waddled into the sitting room a cup of tea resting on his stomach (there were some positive aspects of looking like a potbellied big) "Any suggestions?"

They were eight months down the line and Vince was easily reaping the benefits of pregnancy. People in the street hadn't really noticed that Vince was a man. If you don't want to see something then you don't see it and most people had been convinced Vince was a woman anyway, the pregnant belly simply served to confirm their suspicions. Vince had soon got used to bossing people around and avoiding shifts in the shop on the grounds that he was too tired or too fat or generally just too pregnant. He enjoyed getting on a bus and watching young men jump up, giving him free best choice of chairs. Howard swore he saw Vince getting on busses for no other reason than to watch this happen.

Howard was enjoying the pregnancy too. He loved feeling the babies kicking beneath his hands. Even though, for the first few month's Vince had put on his best impression of Howard, saying; "Don't touch me." every time large hands came near his belly, he'd soon given it up. In truth, Vince loved it when Howard was silly around his stomach. He'd giggled so much, when Howard had insisted on reading it a bedtime story, before smiling at his friend and going off to bed. As Howard had walked away, leaving a horribly vacant spot on Vince's bed, the younger man had sighed. He wished, just one time, Howard would stay with him all night.

Don't be fooled, it hadn't all been plain sailing. Vince had moaned like crazy about being isolated from his party friends but he'd soon stop his whinging when he'd look at the picture from the latest scan. It would all be worth it, he'd tell himself. And, Vince also loved the excuse to do more shopping. The customer's money hardly reached the till anymore. Vince would always have s_omething_ urgent to buy. Howard had insisted on tagging along for the purchases of everything practical, like a three seated buggy and three cots and highchairs. And, even though Naboo had pointed out they wouldn't actually need a highchair for ages, they'd still fought for hours over which colours to buy, until Vince had decided to 'let the stomach decide'.

"Look, the belly likes pink." he'd insisted, placing the pink highchair in the trolley.

"We've got three boys Vince." Howard had reminded him, taking it back out.

Vince had asked Naboo to find out the gender of their children (to help with the purchasing of clothes) but this knowledge hadn't stopped him purchasing pink everything, on the grounds that 'the belly liked it'.

"So," Vince had shrugged, putting the chair back in the trolley, "pink's a neutral colour. Boy or a girl, it doesn't matter."

Howard had given up eventually and held up a beige highchair hopefully, though he suspected Vince's 'belly' wouldn't like beige. He watched in interest as Vince's face had screwed up in what seemed like pain as he'd hissed urgently at his stomach, drawing unwanted attention from nearby expectant parents.

"What?" Howard asked, "What's going on in there?"

Vince looked up, his face the epitome of pure disgust. "I think one of 'em likes the beige." he groaned.

"Course they do." Howard beamed proudly, "Howard Moon's son has impeccable taste."

"Yeah, only because he's half mine."

Howard let out a low sound of disagreement and placed the chair in the trolley.

The final chair Vince's stomach went for was a plain black one, which caught both men by surprise.

Howard watched Vince as he handed over the money, rubbing his stomach affectionately and talking to it. He was always talking to them, their three boys. They'd be beautiful, Howard knew it already. If they were half Vince, how could they fail to be? And it was then, when Vince looked up and caught his gaze and beamed at him, that Howard had allowed some deep, long-forgotten feelings he'd had at the zoo wake up, like a newly freed lion parading proudly around Howard's heart.

"What about… Bollo?" the ape suggested. "Name them after favourite uncle."

"Umm, no. Next."

"Charles - as in Darwin."

"Howard. No way! That's awful."

"Merlin?"

"I quite like that."

"No Vince. And Naboo stop naming wizards. I don't want our children to be bullied."

Howard ignored Bollo's comment that any child which was half Howard was destined to be bullied and chose to concentrate instead on Vince's words, as his friend chatted excitedly about his favourite names.

"Gary, or Numan or Mick or Bowie of David or-" Predictable really.

"David's alright." Howard agreed quickly, before Vince tried to name one Electro or something. "David Moon-Noir."

"Noir-Moon."

"Okay fine. David Noir-Moon. It's got a ring to it."

"I think you name him Banana."

"Bollo, you can't do that to a kid."

"Why not? Bob Geldof name his daughter Peaches."

"Yes and your mate Chinco ate her."

"Not Chinco's fault. He just ask where Peaches are. Someone show him and he munch down like cracker bread. He didn't know she not fruit. He no have good eyesight after I pull his eyes out for perving on baboon, he like colour of baboon arse. But everyone know cross breading is wrong but he keep nagging and nagging, so one day, finally, I chop his tongue off."

"Mmm, we know. We've heard all the Chinco stories, Bollo." Howard sighed. And then:

"Vinward!" Vince cried triumphantly.

"What?" the other three asked in almost unison.

"Vinward. It's a combination of both out names, Howard. It's either that or Howince but that sound's a bit… slashy."

"Slashy?"

"I don't know." shrugged Vince, "But Vinward; that sounds kinda manly and powerful. Like the kinda name you'd like Howard _and _it's a surname. Genius! Everyone knows it's very _in _to name your kids surnames."

"Oh, good lord!" scowled Howard, "You'll be trying to name one Smith next… or Jones."

"Jones! That's an amazing name. Oh, please Howard, can we call one Jones? Jones Noir-Moon; I bet you'll he'll be a DJ or something."

"Are you serious? Vinward and Jones?"

"And… you need one more name?" Naboo reminded them.

"I already say you should call him-"

"We're not calling him Banana, Bollo."

"Oh."

"What about…?" Howard started before falling quiet.

"What?"

"No, it doesn't matter."

"Go on. What were you going to say?" Vince pressed.

"Well, I mean, there's kind of a name I always liked." The older man blushed.

"What is it?"

"Ummm, Richmond." he said sheepishly. There was a silence for a moment and then…

"I love it." cried Vince, hopping excitedly in his chair. "We'll give him a really unusual middle name though like…"

"Banana."

"No, shut up Bollo. I was going to say Avenal."

"Right." Howard raised an eyebrow but just smiled, "That's settled then; Richmond, Jones and Vinward."

*

"**Howard**!" Vince screamed. Howard appeared within seconds at his bedside.

"What? What's happened?"

"Oh. Jesus. Howard. Put some flaming clothes on!" Vince groaned as he came eye to eye with little Howard.

"Oh. Sorry." Howard blushed, darting off and pulling on some pyjama bottoms. "What's happened?" he asked when he returned seconds later, face flushed from rushing about at such a ridiculous hour of the morning.

"I think my stomach is trying to explode." Vince panted, sweat dripping off his face. "Howard. Help. I think the babies are trying to get out."

He screamed again. Clutching Howard's shoulder very tightly, he dragged him down until there faces were inches apart.

"Get! Naboo!" he spat, leaving finger marks in the older man's arm as he let go to clutch at the bed clothes in desperation.

"Stop pushing." he cried at his stomach. "There's nowhere for you three to go!"

Howard ran, flapping about yelling at Naboo, thumping on Bollo's door. Vince needed help. Vince the mother… father… whatever of his children was screaming in agony. His children were on their way and they had no idea how to get them out.

"Shouldn't we had thought of this earlier?" Howard asked, hovering around anxiously as Naboo poured over the stomach looking for a trap door or some kind of exit.

"I did think of it earlier. I've brought in a specialist doctor from my planet. He'll get them out in no time."

"How?" Vince begged through gritted teeth as he tried not to scream. His face was hot and soaked with sweat. "Where are they coming out?"

"I have no idea." Naboo admitted with a shrug of his shoulders as he gave up his search for some magical exit.

It wasn't really that long before the doctor arrived but to Vince it felt like days. Days of screaming at Naboo to give him drugs to stop the pain, days of Naboo denying ownership of any such drugs or any that wouldn't severely damage the triplets. Howard offered his hand as some sort of pain relief for his friend and by the time the doctor finally arrived, he was pretty sure Vince had stopped all the blood from entering his fingers. The doctor was incredibly impatient and rushed about in a way that suggested he had somewhere else, much more important, to be. He pushed everyone, except Vince, out of the bedroom.

"I want Howard to stay." Vince begged weakly but there was no persuading the moody doctor. So Howard was left to pace around outside like all other expectant fathers. Every time Vince cried out, Howard jumped a foot in the air. He really hoped things were going okay. This waiting was killing him and he was pretty sure Bollo was trying to trip him up every time he paced past. He did trip a couple of times but he really wasn't thinking about that. All he could think was what if something bad happened to Vince or to one of the triplets. He felt totally helpless.

It was over an hour later when the door finally opened and the doctor appeared, removing some latex gloves and raising an almost-smile.

"Mr Moon. There's some people in here I think you should meet."

Howard stepped nervously into the room. What if he messed this up? What if he couldn't provide for his children? What if he and Vince fell out? Not just the stupid bickering but really truly fell out. Who would get custody? Would he ruin everything? What if they didn't need him? But even as all these questions, and more, raced through his head, he caught sight of Vince. The younger man was propped up against some pillows looking frail and exhausted. His hair was damp with sweat, he was ghostly pale and his eyes had dark rings around them that had nothing to do with eyeliner but he was smiling, the biggest smile Howard had ever seen, and clutched in his thin arms a tiny baby boy with long, black hair and illuminant blue eyes.

"This one's Jones." Vince whispered tiredly, stroking a hand gently through the child's hair. "I'm sure of it, he keeps crying in the tune of Gary Numan. And then that one is Vinward." he nodded his head at the child in the nearest cot, "He's got your moustache and your eyes. Poor bugger."

"Cheeky." Howard grinned, as he lifted Vinward gently, cooing, kissing him and saying hello.

"And Richmond's in that cot." he indicated the cot furthest away. "He's got my eyes but he's got your miserable attitude. He's strange though, hasn't cried once yet. He just sits there all quiet and…"

"despondent?" Howard suggested, as he looked down at his other son. He looked just like Jones. Though Vince insisted Richmond's hair was limper, to any normal person, the two were totally identical but it was already clear that they were completely different.

Howard couldn't believe the beauty that shone from all of his children. Jones and Richmond with their beautiful sets of peepers, massively over sized in their tiny heads; almost like anime and Vinward, already strong with definition and character.

"Vinward came out first." smiled Vince tiredly, "He's a proper little Howard, all self-important."

Howard grinned, looking at the child in his arms. He was bigger built than the other two and that bloody moustache was so ridiculous on an infant but he was still a handsome boy. On the other hand, Howard was almost afraid to touch Richmond or Jones. They both seemed so tiny and fragile, breakable. Just like Vince. But being just like Vince would make them tough too. Richmond gurgled softly in the cot and Howard could feel the tear rolling down his cheek as he gently shook finger to hand with his baby son.

"They're beautiful." Vince smiled from the bed.

"You're beautiful." Howard said, walking over and kissing Vince on the forehead. It was an odd gesture between friends but neither mentioned it. Vince just said;

"Oh shut up. I'm exhausted and I know I look awful."

"I love you so much right now." Howard said truthfully, just like that time in the arctic and neither time were entirely platonic. But unlike that time in the artic, Vince didn't laugh, he just gave a warm, if somewhat worn-out, smile in return.

"Go and get Richmond. I wanna see all our children together."

Howard picked up Richmond, carefully balancing the two babies in his arms before lowering himself gently on the bed by Vince. Vinward immediately grabbed at Jones' hair as though showing it the greatest deal of contempt and Jones burst into tuneful tears.

"He's definitely your son." Howard grinned as Jones seemed to giggle wickedly, almost knowingly, when Vinward was told by Vince not to touch other people's hair as it was rude. If Howard hadn't known any better, he would have sworn Richmond rolled his eyes at the scene. Was it possible for a baby of less than an hour to be so aloof? Howard tickled him under his chin but Richmond ignored the action.

"He's not interested small eyes." Vince smiled. "I think he's intelligent."

"Must get that from me."

"Oi!" Vince said on the brink of annoyance but he gave up the fight and closed his eyes.

"Howard." he mumbled sleepily, briefly opening his eyes to look at the man in question.

"Yes, Vince?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"Giving us these three."

Howard smiled proudly and leant in to kiss Vince's cheek, but the younger man was ready this time. He turned his face at the last second, catching Howard lips sweetly. Howard immediately pulled away blushing and muttering some kind of apology but when Vince reached out and touched his face gently, Howard knew it was okay. He leant in and kissed Vince again. And this time, it wasn't an accident or to avoid a death threat , it was because of love. When they broke apart, Vince slumped against the cushion and closed his eyes, a daft grin plastered on his face. Howard just beamed at his beautiful if somewhat unusual family.

And then; "Vince?"

"Mm?"

"How did they, you know, get out?"

Vince blanched a bit, eyes snapping open with horror and said; "You don't wanna know."

* * *

**Is this a crossover now? lol.**

**Review please? xx**


	6. Jones

**Thanks to Shrink to Be, LDNatalie, Captain-Jana-Sparrow, RoxxiSanders, swisstony, xpedx, electro-budgie, Britania Control 1.0 and maybe_my_dear. **

**Disclaimer: Jones and Dan belong to Charlie Brooker and Chris Morris. Richmond belongs to Graham Lineman (and I think Noel Fielding had a lot to do with his character as well).**

**More quick updates because most of you seem to be in favour of them. Though if you feel like i'm bombarding you then i can slow down! =]**

* * *

It had been strange in the end; the first birthday (when Jones had grabbed the candle), the second birthday (when Jones had grabbed the candle), the third birthday (when Jones had finally learnt his lesson but Vinward's moustache had caught on fire when he tried to blow out the candles, sending three year old Jones into a spate of uncontrollable giggles). Richmond had never blown his candles out, ever. He just used to watch them dancing as though it were the most beautiful thing in the world. Then there had been all the other birthdays, leading slowly up to the day when they were old enough to move out. Vince and Howard had watched their sons grow and develop. Jones and Richmond so similar to look at, so much like Vince and yet so very, very different. Both would sit in a corner of a room, Jones headphones firmly in their ears, bopping away, carefully choosing the next song, announcing almost weekly the new _tune of the century. _Richmond reading a book entitled _The Truth About The Afterlife _with his eyes wide and fearful as though on the brink of a new, life changing discovery. And then there was Vinward, the boy with a penchant for stationary and jazz.

"That's your flaming fault, Howard." Vince had groaned, when his son's first word was 'bebop'.

"_That _is your fault." Howard had groaned, when Jones had started straightening his hair at the age of three and wouldn't leave home without a hideous green merman doll named Baby Gregg ("after the man in Daddy's fishing story") until he was about ten.

And they'd both blamed Naboo for Richmond's enigmatic quality and his stoned-looking stares into thin air. Neither of them wanted to be held accountable for that but despite their children's quirks and qualities, they loved them all equally and when the day finally came for one to leave, neither of them were sure they'd ever know how to let go.

It was a surprise to all of them, as they sat around the dinner table, when Jones said he had an announcement to make.

"I'm moving out." he said quietly and everyone fell into stunned silence. Richmond was the first to recover but all he could manage was an emotionless;

"Oh." before looking far into the distance.

"Why?" Vince asked, glancing nervously at his son as though this time, Richmond might not return from one of his 'memories'. "I mean, where are you going?"

"Not far away. I'm moving in with a… a friend." Jones was shaking as he spoke, his knees jiggling nervously under the table.

"Another DJ?" Vinward scoffed, a practical boy like him didn't see DJ-ing as a real profession. It would only last as long as his brother's good looks and natural charm. But then again, Jones _did _look like Vince, who was pushing fifty and still oozed charm and charisma. Well, it didn't matter, this DJ-ing lark wouldn't last long.

"No, actually, he's a writer." Jones said brightly before catching himself and blushing a little.

"A writer!?" Vinward really was laughing now, "What the hell do you have in common with a writer?"

"Enough." he retaliated quickly, as though he were really fed-up of being asked this particular question.

"How old is this 'friend' of yours Jonesy?" Howard asked. He was somewhat distrusting of all of Jones' 'friends'. His son had been too easily led astray by idiots bearing drugs, alcohol and promise of fame in the past and Howard was not going to stand for any of that nonsense again.

"I'm not sure." Jones blushed, twirling his long hair around his finger at rapid speed, a sure sign he was lying through his teeth.

"Well, what about your A-levels?" Howard pressed.

"I'm too thick to do A-levels Dad. One C in art, 2 E's, 6 U's and an A* in music, isn't enough to get me a place in the college's round here. I'm not like Richmond with his straight A*'s. I just wanna DJ and Dan, he knows that. He lets me."

"Is Dan the 'friend'?" Vinward asked, copying Howard's inflection and cocking an eyebrow in amusement.

Jones kicked his brother in the shin and was about to retaliate when Richmond came back from wherever he'd been to say;

"I think that if Jones wants to pursue his dream then we should support him. I had a dream once…"

"Oh no you don't." Vince said, clicking quickly in front of Richmond's face before he had chance to slip away again. "You can stay here for the rest of the meal."

"Oh."

"But I agree with Richmond, I moved in with Howard when I was your age." Vince smiled encouragingly at Jones, who beamed back.

"But, but… I mean that was _completely_ different. You were living in a jungle with a deluded old pop star." Howard gabbled, a little flustered. Vince just leant over and squeezed the older man's hand gently, whispering;

"Let him go, he's not a baby anymore."

"He's only sixteen! He's still got a collection of stuffed animals, for god sake! He needs looking after." Howard hissed back.

"And I'm sure Dan can look after him. We'll discuss it later."

Howard knew what that meant. It meant; later, I'll argue my point and then push all your buttons until we're shagging away all your memories of an argument and I win. Vince always won, it was one of their things, like being the only couple in history to have children before having sex - it was just one of their things.

*

Later on that evening, when Vinward was on the phone to his best friend Lauren (honestly, the two were inseparable); and when Richmond was reading a book entitled 'How to tell a person's favourite cheese just by looking at them?' (he'd almost perfected his art, almost but he still got mixed up between brie and double Gloucester from time to time,) and when Howard was hogging the TV with some Jurgen Haabermaster documentary about fossils, whilst harping on about the time Jurgen had begged him to be the star of one of his devised pieces; Vince went to find Jones. The young DJ was in his room sat cross legged on his bed next to a tiny silver suitcase, peering inside it and then looking around at all his stuff as though wondering how he was ever going to get everything he needed into such a small case.

"Jonesy?" Vince called quietly, knocking the open door before stepping over the threshold. "You okay?"

The boy looked up and gave a strangled smile, nodded shallowly.

"You wanna talk?"

A shake of the head was the only reply.

"Okay."

But as Vince went to leave, Jones called after him to stop and invited him back in.

"I'm scared." Jones whispered honestly, when Vince had moved the suitcase to sit on the bed. "I don't how to live on my own... Well, without you and dad."

"You'll be fine." Vince promised. "Like I said, I was 16 when I went to live with Howard, and we turned out just fine."

"But you have stuff in common."

"Only you three. We didn't have anything in common before."

"I don't have anything in common with Dan either." Jones sighed, "But… I love being around him, he's really smart, bit miserable but… he makes me happy. I know I make him happy too and when he asked me if I'd move in with him, purely coz he didn't have money mind. I, I was so happy I… I didn't think about anything else but now… What if he really has only asked me to move in because of the rent and realises he hates me?"

"Who could hate you?"

"He could. You don't know him. He's got this whole thing against the idiots. Despises them and… and I think I am one. He's always saying that I'm not, that I'm different, that he lov- that he's my friend but what if I get there and he just realises I'm an idiot too. I don't wanna lose…" Vince watched as Jones' fingers fiddled quickly with his hair and his giant blue eyes were blinking fast, stopping the tears. "I can't, I couldn't live with out him." He blushed, "Er, hair… I meant _hair_. I don't want to lose hair over it."

Vince smiled as his son tried, badly, to hide his love for the man he was moving in with. He leant over and fingered one of the red splashes in Jones' hair, tucking it behind his ear slowly. It wasn't quite long enough to stay; he didn't stop trying.

"You're not an idiot." Vince reassured him, "I know that. Dan clearly knows that. Just make sure you know that."

"But what if he gets fed-up with me? He's intelligent, you know. He knows stuff. Half the time, I ain't got a clue what he's going on about."

"I never know what Howard's talking about either but he's not fed-up of me yet."

Jones nodded glumly. Vince didn't like this, something was clearly bothering his son, Jones was usually _so _happy and _so _bubbly.

"What's wrong Jonesy?" he asked finally letting the piece of hair rest against Jones' cheek, "What are you afraid of? I mean, why didn't you tell us about Dan before? You're also chatting about your friends but I've never heard you mention him."

Jones stayed silent for a moment or two. Legs still jiggling, hands wringing, eyes still blinking furiously; Vince thought he could almost hear the cogs whirring in Jones' brain.

"Dad." he whispered eventually, "What's the age gap between you and dad?"

"Age gap? Ummm, oh I'm not even sure." Vince said truthfully. "I lost track of my age a bit when I was with Bryan Ferry in the jungle. Howard thinks it's about ten years but I'm like you, I'm older than I look. It's probably only about five. Why d'you ask?"

"Just wondered." the boy shrugged, still staring at the pit created by his crossed legs.

"How old is Dan?" Vince asked, a knowing smile suddenly playing across his face.

This time, Jones spoke so quietly that Vince had to strain to hear him;

"Ummm, 21." he cringed, "He's just finished Uni. That's why he's looking for a flatmate."

Vince gave a long, low whistle and said; "Well, we won't tell Howard that just yet, okay? Not until the ages sound more respectable." he winked and gave his son a cheeky grin.

And Jones grinned back. "Well, I'm nearly 17." he gabbled, the bubbly excitement returning as he bounced up slightly on the bed. "That's only four years then. I've told Dan that when I'm 17, he can stop feeling like a paedophile whenever we ki-," he stopped, blushed, fumbled for a word "Erm, hang out." he blurted. "But he reckons I'll still _look_ about 12." Suddenly, Jones' whole body shook with a heavy sigh. "We'll be alright, wont we?"

Vince let the silence fill the room for a second as he met his son's huge blue eyes. They were so large and innocent, so easily readable and right now, they were begging for the truth. Vince reached out and took his son's hand, squeezing his fingers reassuringly;

"Do you love him?" Vince asked gently.

Jones dropped his gaze and stared straight at their joined hands. He nodded slowly.

"Then you'll be fine." Vince promised, giving his son's hand another encouraging squeeze "I swear to you."

Jones wrapped his slender arms around his dad's neck as Vince, kissed the top of his son's head.

The next day Jones was back to bounding around the house talking excitedly about moving out and more excitedly about finally being able to purchase a full set of decks.

*

A few days later, a despondent young man, with a cigarette between his down turned lips had appeared on Howard and Vince's doorstep asking for Jones.

"You must be Dan!" Vince cried, throwing himself at the boy and earning himself a hiss of disapproval from his smallest son. He quickly stepped back and apologized, taking Dan's outstretched hand and shaking it far too enthusiastically. Dan nodded politely but declined the offer to come inside.

"You ready, Jones?" he asked sullenly.

"Umm, nearly." was the reply "I just need to get a few more boxes."

Dan sighed as though this was the biggest inconvenience in the world but Jones just smiled at him as he dashed upstairs to find retrieve the rest of his stuff.

Howard then appeared from the kitchen with a tray of tea and biscuits and nearly had a fit when he saw Dan, skulking by the door, puffing away. He threw his hands up in outrage and just had time to bellow; "No way!" before hot scolding tea landed all over him and a Hobnob hit him on the head. A few loud expletives and Vince was pushing him away into the kitchen to clean him up and calm him down.

"It's not that bad." Vince promised, pulling Howard's shirt over his head and throwing it in the washing machine.

"It is that bad. I've got third degree burns!"

"Don't over react! And I was talking about Jones." Vince said as he kicked the door shut and the washing machine rumbled into action.

"Oh. That's worse than third degree burns. Much worse. How old is that man? Thirty?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Howard. He just looks older than he is."

"That's probably all the smoking he does." Howard scowled, wrapping his arms around his naked torso to protect himself from the advancing cool air.

"Howard, you're such a hypocrite." laughed Vince, going to cuddle against his partner. From here, Howard could make out a couple of grey hairs that had managed to avoid the weekly dye and chuckled to himself. It seemed old father time had finally got in Vince's hair.

"What are you doing?" Howard asked nervously as Vince began to nuzzle against his bare chest. How long had they been a couple now, almost 17 years? And Howard still found these random hugs strange.

"Sharing body heat." was the reply.

"Oh. And how am I a hypocrite?"

"Well, I reckon you were about Dan's age when you begged me to move in with you at the zoo."

"That was different. And I didn't beg."

"Whatever you say Danger Mouse." Vince smiled. Then he let out a soft chuckle and said, "You're so uptight. You're ridiculous! Jones is in love. Leave him alone."

"He only _thinks _he's in lov- wait! What d'you mean he's _in love_? Are they a couple? They better not be. Dan's far too old. How old is he anyway? Vince?"

"Vince?"

Silence.

"Don't ignore me."

Nothing.

"Stop it!"

No more than a small smile.

"Vince!?"

But it was no use, Vince was continuing to play dumb... or deaf.

So, knowing he wasn't going to get a response from the younger man, Howard leant down and whispered softly in Vince's ear;

"You've a few grey hairs peaking through, Vince."

And then, there was hair drama.

*

Meanwhile, Vinward took his opportunity to get in a few words of his own with Jones' 'friend'.

"Oi _mate._" he growled, poking Dan hard in the centre of the chest with his index finger, "You upset my brother and me and Richmond, over there, will come at you like a sibling stampede. Got it?"

Dan nodded, almost nervously. He was tall, easily equalling Vinward's vast height but he slouched. He seemed to make himself small, weak; unseen. Everything about him was pushed down and defeatist. He couldn't be more different from Jones, who filled up the room with his sunny optimism and bubbly personality. But, when Jones bounded down the steps, pushing a box of records into Dan's hands and babbling on and on about the prospect of living together; Dan smiled, a genuine, if somewhat bemused, smile. It was all Howard, who was peering through the kitchen door at the scene, needed to tell him Jones would be okay. It was all Jones needed to know Dan loved him and it was all Vince needed to know that they would be one of the few successful love stories in recent times.

Now, more importantly, where was that bloody hair dye?

* * *

**A few things;**

**We're all going to have to use our imaginators or our image conjuring faculties and pretend that no one would notice that Dan and Howard look remarkably similar! (After all, no one notices that Dennis and Howard look the same, of Vince and Old Gregg or the Hitcher or Tony Harrison.)**

**Also, I wrote this and then realised I've missed a whole load of possible stories about Jones, Vinward and Richmond's childhood… so, I might think of doing a couple of one-shots about it after my bloody exams are over. (which reminds me, I should be revising!) What d'you reckon?**

**Please Review? xx**


	7. Richmond

**I fear this fic is reaching the end now =[… probably only one, maybe two more chapters! I'm gonna miss it.**

**Anyway, thanks for reviewing! Captain-Jana-Sparrow, swisstony, xxpipxx, swisstony, RoxxiSanders, Watcha, Britania Control 1.0 and xXxBooshLoverxXx - much love to you all!!**

**Richmond…**

* * *

Richmond was next to leave. Though this was less shock and more inconvenient good fortune.

"Oxford?!" Howard asked, "How?"

The boy with bright blue eyes and short mousy brown hair shrugged his shoulders lightly. "I wrote them a letter and they wrote one back saying they wanted me. They said I'm a real go getter, a real punchy character. Do I amaze you?" His parents looked at him with disbelief.

"I don't think your ours." Vince said after a moment. "Maybe Justin Hawkins got in on our cuddle Howard."

"The singer from the Darkness?"

"No. The one that sounds like a robot's hiding in his voice box."

"_Steven_ Hawkins?"

"Yeah, that's him. I reckon he was involved because neither of us are that clever."

"Speak for yourself, sir. I am an intellectual."

"You're not! You didn't even _go_ to university and the lowest Richmond's ever got in an exam is 89%."

"Oh. Biology. That was disappointing." Richmond remembered, eyes glazing over.

"Oi." Howard said, shaking his son's shoulders. "Stop doing that. And Vince, he is ours. However intelligent he is."

"We're very proud of you, Richmond." Vince agreed, turning back to his son, "Very proud. You wait, in a few years time you'll be running some massive corporate industry."

"Mmm, like that place I went on work experience. There was a woman there who gave me a biscuit to eat which had jam that looked like blood in it. Then she gave me a job to do in with the computer but all the wrong things kept beeping and whirring, so I just looked away."

"Are you sure you're a super genius?" Howard asked as his son rambled on.

"So they say." Richmond paused, and then; "D'you think if you ate a cockroach it would survive in your stomach?"

*

"Think of the financial strain Vince." Howard groaned, as he looked through the profits from the Nabootique and the amount of money it was going to cost to send Richmond to Oxford.

"We'll survive." Vince reassured him, kissing him on the cheek. "We always do."

"Hmm." Howard frowned as he ran through the figures again.

"Howard." smiled Vince, settling himself on his partner's lap, "I think _you_ should stop worrying. We've got a son going to Oxford! It's incredible."

"It is. It's incredible we've even got sons. It's not often that I'm glad you don't followed the rules but our sons are the exception."

"Yeah, well rules are meant for breaking."

"But you broke the rules of the nature."

"I'm a maverick." Vince grinned cheekily, putting on his best impression of Howard "I see a boundary, I eat a boundary and wash it down with a cup of hot steaming rules."

"That's my thing!" Howard exclaimed.

"I follow no predetermined ideals, sir."

"I end things with sir, not you!"

"Yeah, but you actually _do _follow rules. That's the funny thing. I don't, I mean, I don't even do genders - I'm bringing androgyny to the forefront of fashion. I'm a pioneer of fashion and electro music, well, I'm not pioneering electro so much as bringing it back. I'm giving Numan CPR, and resuscitating…"

But Howard never found out who Vince and resuscitated because he kissed him then, as much to shut him up as anything else. They kissed lazily for a while, they never got tired of it. Maybe it was because they had to sneak moments like this when the boys weren't around but kissing made them feel like teenagers snogging behind the bike sheds. They loved the thrill of almost getting caught. It added spice to things.

"Hmmm, that was nice." Vince smiled, as he pulled away, his eyes still half closed in lazy exhilaration.

"Mm, I'm just teaching you CPR." Howard explained. "For when Numan needs it."

"I don't think he'd appreciate it, if I did that to him."

"Ah, you never know, little man."

*

When the day finally came to drop their son off at the gates to Oxford University, they'd never been prouder and tight finances had been totally forgotten. Vince and Howard had told Vinward he had to come with them, so he'd dragged Jones along too, claiming that when he got to Oxford he wanted to know there was at least one person thicker than him there. Jones had kicked him for that and the tiniest of scraps had broken out in the back seat.

The car journey seemed to take forever and it didn't help that there was the constant humming of snide comments firing across the back seats. They got there, eventually, and Jones leapt out of the car like a caged animal. Richmond and Vinward followed at a slower pace.

"Wow! Rich! This place is amazing!" cried Jones, jigging from foot to foot, "It's like a castle and a mansion and all old fashioned!"

"Mm, it's okay I suppose."

"Hey look," Vinward said, picking a student at random and pointing them out, "That boy is a genius. And so's that one. And the girl. And that girl, she's a genius… and rather attractive if I do say so myself." He said as he gazed at the pretty, bespectacled, brunet in the distance. "The perfect girl for a future man of action like myself."

"She looks a bit bland." frowned Jones, screwing his face up as he eyed all her brown cardigan, covering a cream shirt. "She needs some colour and glitter in her life."

"What do _you _know about girls?"

"Enough to know she ain't gonna be interested in you."

"Perhaps we could make a little wager."

"Okay, I bet you my decks." Jones said smugly. "Against your collection of 'stationary through the ages' that you can't get her number."

Vinward considered this for a second. There were some really priceless bits of stationary in his collection; King Henry VIII's pen, Merlin's tipex and Big Face Jefferson's ruler. That wasn't to be taken lightly but this was in the bag surely. He was fantastic with women, they just fell down at his feet. So he said;

"Fine. Watch and learn little Jonesy." And strolled off across the yard with severely misplaced confidence.

"She's not going to be interested in him." Richmond said in Jones' ear.

"I know." he giggled gleefully, "Fiver says she slaps him."

"I don't gamble."

"You're so boring. Hey, maybe you should go and try for a date with someone. What about her?" Jones said, indicating a plump girl, waddling past with stacks of books balancing precariously in her arms.

"No."

"Her?" he pointed at a different girl, who was sobbing as she said goodbye to her parents.

"No."

"Her?" he pointed at a beautiful, blonde girl with legs that went on forever and hair that shone like gold; skin lightly tanned and blinding white teeth. Jones was kind of glad to discover later on that she was only there to say goodbye to a friend because if she's been that beautiful _and _that intelligent it would have been thoroughly unfair.

"No." Richmond shook his head determinedly.

"You into guys now or something?" Jones asked, clearly convinced that that was the kind of girl _every _straight man fancied, "What about him?" Jones pointed out a tall, muscular boy, with floppy blonde hair falling into his dark brown eyes. He was balancing a football on his finger, whilst talking to a group of girls, who were all falling over themselves to be closer to him.

"He's clearly not gay."

"He is. He's bent like a hair pin. He's just in denial." Jones promised, as he caught the blonde boy's eye, flashed a beautiful grin and gave a flirtatious wave, causing the boy to blush furiously and drop the ball. "Told ya." Jones grinned proudly.

"Well, no. Not him." Richmond sighed, "Though I don't think I'd mind, boy or girl. Their skeletons are all the same."

Jones cocked an eyebrow and then pointed excitedly at an attractive young lady slouched against a wall, looking thoroughly unimpressed by everything around her.

"What about her? She looks a bit like you."

"Jones, leave him alone will you." warned Howard as he finally emerged from the car.

"Fine." he sulked, "I'll go save Vin before that girl slaps him." Then there was a loud cracking sound as flesh met flesh and he smirked slightly as he tried to suppress a laugh; "Oops, too late."

Jones did laugh though, when Vinward started to walk back nursing his sore cheek; even Richmond raised a half smile.

"I don't know what I'm gonna do with all that new stationary." Jones said casually to Richmond as soon as Vinward got within ear shot. "Might give it to Dan. He's chewed through all his other pens."

Vinward visibly cringed at the thought of Jones' _friend _munching through the end of Queen Victoria's priceless parker.

"I'm not giving you the stationary collection." he snapped. "Because that wasn't my fault. I pulled out all by best moves, she just wasn't interested. She was clearly a lesbian. That's unfair."

"What even though she's flirting with that other boy?" Jones inquired politely.

"Look it wasn't my fault." Vinward insisted. "I don't know what went wrong."

"I think, unfortunately for you Vin, you're got Howard's way with the ladies." laughed Vince, which provoked a tiny little 'disagreement' between himself and Howard.

"Where's your halls, Richie?" Jones asked excitedly, everything excited him.

"It's Richmond. And they're down there… I think. I'm not really sure." He said studying the map he'd been given. "But I haven't registered yet. I havn't got the key."

"S'ok. We'll get in." Jones beamed, grabbing Vinward's arm and legging it off in the direction Richmond had indicated. No one had any doubt that Jones would be able to charm his way in, he could charm even the most miserable of people.

"So, dad" Richmond looked at Vince, "dad." he looked at Howard. "Umm, I'm not very good at goodbye, I tend to just disappear so that no one notices. I was ever there. Disappear like a burglar in the night."

"We know Richmond." Howard smiled, remembering so many times in the past that Richmond would just vanish from a room when things began to get tense or awkward, or hide on a ceiling when he was avoiding confrontation and difficult moments. By the time Howard had finished his internal trip down memory lane, Richmond was nowhere to be seen.

"Where did he go?" Howard asked nudging Vince in the ribs.

"I have no idea." Vince shrugged. "I turned around to look at that kid's genius boots and when I looked back, he was gone."

*

"Sooo." smirked Vinward, from his position lazing on the bed as he watched his brother running around Richmond's room touching everything and then replacing it quickly in case Richmond noticed. "How's it going with you and Dan?"

"Brilliant." Jones beamed.

"Well, if I ever see him, he looks miserable as hell."

"Yeah, he always looks like that but… that's just his job. He's got a new one now though, starts tomorrow at Sugar Ape. Apparently it's much better. A real step up. He's happier already."

"Oh look at you." Vinward groaned, throwing a pillow at his brother's head.

"What?" Jones asked, brushing his hair back into place as the offending item landed softly on the floor.

"You're so in love. It's actually sickening."

"Shut up!" Jones grinned. "Anyway, what about you and Lauren?"

"What about us?"

"Oh come on, you've been friends since you were born, virtually. You're inseparable. When are you gonna admit that you love her?"

"I don't."

"Rubbish. You're just like Dad Howard. He told us he loved Dad Vince ever since he met him and they didn't actually get together until after we were born. That's gonna happen to you and Lauren."

"Well, it wont. We wont be able to have kids unless we get together."

"Our dad's did."

"But those were special circumstances. Why? You're not get broody are you, Jonesy? Thinking of stealing some of Naboo's Ovary Juice, having a few sprogs yourself?"

"As if! God, imagine that. I have to look after this figure in the industry I'm in and I don't think Dan's got the hips for child bearing. Anyway, I reckon the shock of kids would kill him." he chuckled at the thought, "But it doesn't matter coz we're both men."

"Well." Vinward eyed Jones' hair, make up and look-at-me clothes sceptically.

"Shut up, what I'm saying is. We're not really _supposed _to have kids. But you and Lauren are _made _for each other."

"Things aren't that simple Jones."

"Course they are."

"Only in your tiny little world of beats and Dan."

"There's more to me than that. I am a very complex person."

"Ha! You're about as complex as a bowl."

"Stop arguing." Richmond groaned as he strolled into his increasingly cramped room. "You're acting like you're in a trance."

"He, on the other hand," Vinward continue, jerking a thumb at Richmond, "is like Einstein's theory of relativity."

Jones laughed (though he didn't entirely understand) and Richmond rolled his eyes.

"You nervous then Rich?" Jones asked, blunt as ever.

"No. It's just school but bigger."

"It's not. Everyone here is like Newton and Einstein added together." Jones said.

"Yeah, what are you doing here Richmond?" joked Vinward.

"I was asked."

"You don't have a sense of humour, do you?" Vinward smirked.

"No."

Just then Jones' phone went off in his pocket, sending a bizarre mix of electro, sirens and screeching breaks into the otherwise peaceful air.

"Oh, here we go. I bet it's Danny-boy _begging_ you to come home." Vinward smirked.

"It's dad actually. Hello… yeah, yeah alright we're coming now... You wouldn't leave without us?… alright, alright you would. See you in a bit."

He hung up and looked at Vinward, "I think we'd better go." he sighed.

Then he threw his arms around Richmond's neck. "Good luck." he said, "And don't go trying to leave our family just because you're some big shot Oxford boy. You don't get rid of us that easily."

"I wouldn't." Richmond promised, removing his identical brother's almost vice like grip. "It'll be good to have a few nut jobs to return to after a disappointing term."

"Well, bye Richmond." Vinward added, holding out his hand. Richmond took it and they shook awkwardly.

"Oh just hug you two. Go on Vinnie, you're not going to see him for months." Suddenly, Jones wrapped his arms around both his brothers and brought them into a big group hug.

* * *

**You've all been so generous with your reviews so far... could i possibly beg for another one??  
xx**


	8. Vinward

**Thanks to all my beautiful reviewers! Captain-Jana-Sparrow, electro-budgie, xXxBooshLoverxXx, Watcha, Britania Control 1.0, xxpipxx and RoxxiSanders**

**Sorry for not replying to your reviews individual. I lost track of who I replied to and who I didn't. Sorry! But Thank you all anyway! Much love to you all and to anyone who's reading - this is very nearly my most successful fic… ever! Woo Hoo!**

* * *

They'd both seen it coming but it had still been weird when Vinward finally announced he was moving out too.

"Where are you going?" Howard asked.

"Zooniverse."

The answer had been such a shock Vince dropped his mug and it shattered on the floor.

"Oh look what you've done now. You titbox." Howard moaned at his partner.

"Well I wasn't expecting that." he protested weakly. "I thought the zooniverse was closed."

"It's been reopened by some American with more money than sense." shrugged Vinward. "Lauren wants to work there because she can talk to animals, so we're moving into the green hut that you used to live in."

"You're moving in with Lauren?" Vince smirked.

None of this was surprising. Vinward and Lauren had been inseparable since… well, forever. Everyone knew they were going to end up living together, what no one had expected was that Vinward would follow so closely in his dads' footsteps. Jones and Richmond had often mocked Vinward for being so similar to Howard, but Howard was Vinward's hero. He loved all old stories Howard told about his and Vince's adventures. Vinward's favourite was the one about the time they'd found the egg of Mantwmbi (Howard had never mentioned how it had turned out to be fake, that particular newspaper clipping and been 'lost', aka shredded some years ago). But now, Vinward was sick of the stories of glory and the tales of success and was completely ready to move out and start his own adventures with a best friend of his own.

Vince and Howard helped Vinward move into the hut. Vince was so excited as he looked around, shouting about how the kitchen was the same, and the bathroom was the same, the windows were the same.

"It's all the same sweetheart." Howard grumbled, "It's the same hut."

Vince blushed slightly and began to argue but was cut of mid-grumble as Lauren bounded through the door. She hugged Vince and Howard, though the older man looked incredibly uncomfortable, and then threw her arms around Vinward's neck, who mumbled a very quiet;

"Don't touch me."

"This place is genius!" she beamed, ignoring the warning. "There's a gorilla called Drollo and a wizard thing called Naroo. He's just stood there in silence though, like those soldiers outside Buckingham Palace that you told me about."

"Mmm." grumbled Vinward, rolling his eyes and trying to quash the smile that was pulling at the corner of his mouth. Vince knew that look well, he used to get it all the time from Howard and still did on occasions. It was an expression of love, disguised as disdain. He just hoped they realised their love for each other quicker than he and Howard had.

"And," Lauren continued, "there's a massive mirror over there, so I can do my hair and a genius little cabinet for all my products."

Both Vince and Howard smiled at that. Vince had got Naboo to put that up not long after they moved in because he'd moaned endlessly about the lack of shelf space for his hair dye and finishing gel.

"And look at my jacket." she smiled, twirling on the spot to show them all a customised green uniform.

"Now _that _is genius." Vince grinned, looking over the sparkly buttons, lightening bolt zip and glittery accessories. Across the lapel it said; 'Blanche'.

"It's my surname." Lauren explained, when Vince's confusion was evident on his face.

"It's perfect." he admitted.

Whilst Vince and Lauren fussed over the exact styling of the jacket, Howard and Vinward went to sit on the bench outside the hut. The animals were calling softly into the dying day and the orangey sunlight was casting a beautiful glow over Vinward's new home. Gentle wind rustled the leaves of the trees and far in the distance was the sound of an American dancing to 'I Don't Like cricket'.

"I'm proud of you son." Howard said honestly, after they'd sat just watching the animals in silence for a while.

"Really? I mean, Richmond's gone to Oxford. Jones is one of the most successful DJ's in London and I'm… I'm just working in a zoo."

"I thought you wanted to work in the zoo."

"I do, with Lauren. I want to do more too. I wanna travel to monkey hell, I wanna meet a yeti, I wanna go to different planet… I wanna be an explorer, I wanna be like you dad, just like you."

Howard bristled his moustache proudly, "Well, of course you do. Who doesn't want to be like me? Howard Moon, man of action comma explorer."

"I thought it was colon explorer."

"Umm, yeah." Howard coughed embarrassedly, "I, er, I dropped that."

"Oh." Vinward smiled, there was a silence for a moment, broken only by the call of an elephant moaning about the terrible quality of dancing it was being subjected to watch. "I'm going to be king keeper soon dad." Vinward said suddenly.

"I know you will son. I know you will."

*

Jones was next to visit the zoo. He'd said it was purely to see his brother but Vinward suspected an ulterior motive when his brother arrived, dragging an ever-woeful Dan behind him. Jones didn't even greet Vinward in favour of demanding that his brother introduce him to all the animals personally. Jones whooped with joy when he met the tiger.

"It's like that cuddly toy you bought me." Jones beamed at Dan and clutched his arm possessively. Dan blushed a little and muttered something indistinguishable that sounded half like a threat and half like something sweeter but Vinward noticed he didn't retrieve his arm from Jones grasp.

It was then that the owner of the zoo had come over to speak to Vinward, though it was clear very quickly that he had other intentions when he took Jones' hand and licked it from finger tip to wrist. Jones frowned in confusion but he didn't physically leap away until the owner told him he wanted to cover him in mustard and lick him clean. Dan gave a bark of anger. He looked ready to knock the American out and Jones smiled like nothing before had ever made him happier. Vinward, like a true man of action, leapt in at this point. He ushered Jones and Dan back to his hut before his brother's boyfriend-who-we're-not-allowed-to-call-his-boyfriend-because-he's-still-in-denial decided to knock out the man with a mustard fetish.

When they were safely in the hut, Jones had asked his favourite question;

"So, Vinnie-"

"Vinward."

"Whatever, are you and Lauren an item yet?"

"No!"

*

Richmond had gone to visit Vinward, when he was back from Oxford on holiday. His visit had been much calmer, much more coffee in the hut and talking about the work, much less, let's go see the animals and get hit on by the boss. But he still asked the same infuriating question;

"So, are you and Lauren together yet?"

"No."

"But you go together like funerals and death."

"Why are your metaphors always so morbid?"

"They're not. Death is actually quite beautiful really." he said distantly, taking a long sip of coffee.

"How're things going in university?"

"Oh, you know, not great."

"Many friends?"

"I've met a girl, she's really opened my eyes to new things. She's introduced me to dark wave music like UK Decay, Blood and Roses, Play Dead, Flesh for Lulu. They sound horrible but they're actually rather beautiful."

Vinward just raised an eyebrow and quickly changed the subject.

"Oh. A girl. What's her name?"

"She calls herself Nosferatu. I don't know her real name."

"Well she sounds… happy." Vinward mocked.

"No, not really. Not like me, I'm the cheery one in this friendship."

"Hmm."

*

Vinward sank onto the sofa next to Lauren, allowing the exhaustion to take over his tired limbs. The TV buzzed in the background and bathed the hut in a low bluish-purple glow. It was warm there, because Lauren had insisted they turn the heating up as high as it would go. It was cosy because he'd drunk too much cocoa and his belly was full of chocolaty, milky goodness. He allowed his head to loll against the back of the sofa, his eyelids drooping shut. It had been a hell of a day; the monkeys had escaped their enclosure and tried to mate with the lizards and Vinward had been put in charge of sorting out the mess. He was just drifting off to sleep, when he felt a head resting on his shoulder. He opened an eye lazily and peered down to see Lauren snuggling into his chest.

"Don't touch me." he murmured, as his arm dropped to wrap around her waist, pulling her close. She shuffled a bit to get comfortable but Vinward had to admit, she did seem to fit there. Maybe Jones had had a point when he'd said they were made for each other. Maybe Richmond had been on to something when he'd suggested they went together like funerals and death.

He allowed his eyes to close again, relishing in the feeling of having Lauren so close, maybe all this touching wasn't such a bad idea. Just as he was getting used to it, his phone rang, sending waves of soft bebop into the air.

"Awww, Vin!" moaned Lauren, quickly leaping away. "Turn off the jazz. You're gonna bring me out in a rash."

"Jazz-rash doesn't _really _exist, Lauren."

"It does." she insisted, leaping to her feet and checking her reflection for blotchy red marks in the large mirror. "Your dad said so."

"Well, yeah but he's exaggerating. Hello." he said to the phone, all in one breath.

"_You talk." _came an urgent hiss.

_"No. You." _was whispered back.

_"He'll recognise my voice, quick. Quick!"_

"Ummm, hello." a voice was louder, clearer this time.

"Yeah, hi. Who is this?" Vinward asked, though he already had a bloody good idea who it might be.

"Umm, yes. This is, erm, er… the barbers."

"_Yeah, that's good._"

"Just to let you know Mr Noir-Moon, that you and Lau-"

"_No. You don't know her name._" the hiss reminded him.

"Erm, I mean you and your girlfriend."

"I don't have a girlfriend." Vinward answered, his gut clenching as he saw the way Lauren flinched ever so slightly in the corner of his eye.

"Oh." The voice said. "Erm, well… _Jones, what do I say?_"

Vinward groaned. He'd thought as much.

"_Is he still on the line?_"

"_Yes._"

"_Oh for f-. Give it here_… Hello. Is that Mr Noir-Moon?"

"You know it is. You rang me."

"Oh right this is the barbers."

"Yeah, you've said. Can I just ask? Which barbers?"

"Stanley Knives."/ "The one on Fleet street." were the simultaneous responses.

"Stanley knives?" Vinward decided to focus on what was clearly Jones' answer. "My brother works there. You might know him. He's the really crap DJ."

"Hey! I'm not crap!" Jones exclaimed. Then he swore loudly as he realised he'd just given himself away.

"Hi Jones." Vinward chuckled.

"Hi." He sounded embarrassed.

"So? What d'you want?"

"Me and Rich, we've been thinking. And we realised that… well, you ain't very good with ladies. And well, I'm brilliant with everybody and Richie, well, he's not bad either. So, we're gonna talk you through how to make your move with Lauren."

"Make my move? This is not chess, sir."

"Nope. The end product of a well performed move here leads to a much better thrill than checkmate."

"Well, I don't know. Checkmate is quite exhilarating."

"_What's happening?_" Richmond asked in the background.

"He's talking about chess." groaned the louder voice of Jones.

"_Let me talk to him_"

There was some rustling as the phone changed hands.

"Vin. Listen. You love her, so you just take her by the hand and tell her she has a beautiful skull. It works every time."

More rustling.

"Ignore that. That was terrible advise."

"Hmm. Why are you two together anyway?"

"Dan's kicked me out of the flat because I may have slightly kicked over his whiskey bottle in my excitement about a new song."

"Are you sure your relationship's going well?"

"It's fine." Jones reassured him. "But this is about you. Coz I've been thinking-"

"Don't strain yourself."

"Oh. Ha-bloody-ha. Look, what I'm saying is listen to us and we'll get you and Lauren rutting like…"

"_Bats_." Richmond supplied.

"Yeah, bats within minutes."

"Go away." said Vinward.

"No don't hang-"

But Vinward had already closed his phone and was busy turning his phone off when Lauren asked casually;

"So who was that?"

"Richmond and Jones." Vinward sighed flopping back in to the old sofa cushions.

"Oh." she said. Then, satisfied that there was no rash, she perched herself on the arm at the opposite end of the sofa. "What did they want?" she asked, after a moment or two.

"Erm, they're trying to convince me to try and kiss you. They've got this crazy idea that I'm in love with you. It's ludicrous."

He looked up, just in time to see something that looked like heartbreak flash across Lauren's eyes as she half-heartedly agreed;

"Yeah, ludicrous."

"Well, isn't it?"

"You tell me."

Oh God. He wasn't good at these games. His head hurt already. What was he supposed to say? Then, he remembered his brother's advice.

"You've got a beautiful skull." he blurted out.

"What?" Lauren laughed, sending Vinward in to a blushing sea of embarrassment. "What did you just say, Vin?"

"Nothing." he muttered,

"Did you say I had a beautiful skull?"

"No." he lied.

"You've gone wrong." she giggled.

"Mm."

"Anyway, I'm exhausted, I'm gonna get some sleep. Night Vin." she said, pressing a kiss lightly to his cheek.

"Night. And don't touch me." he grumbled feebly. As soon as Lauren had left the room Vinward ran his hands through his hair. Why? Why, had he listened to his idiot brothers?

A week later, Lauren cornered Vinward behind the ocelot pit and kissed him. They've never looked back since.

* * *

**Last chapter is going to be up tomorrow! I'm gonna miss this fic lol. But there will be one-shots when exams and my birthday are over. =]**

**Please review? xx**


	9. The End But is it really the end? It is

The house was quiet. There was no endless music; no endless bickering. No talk of death and graves. No screams of fashion insults. No fights because Vinward accidentally used Jones shampoo or because Richmond's absinth ended up in Vinward's juice glass and made him spew. No arguments over 'eye fracturing coloured clothes' or where Jones latest dolly had gone. No rowing over whether they were going to watch Explorer TV, NME TV or a programme on The History of Macabre Art. And that was peaceful but peaceful isn't always good.

As Richmond had pointed out once 'cemeteries are peaceful, that doesn't mean they aren't full of death', to which Jones had claimed Richmond needed cheering up and had turned the base up so loud on his 'happy song' that Vinward's carefully constructed pencilcase skyscraper had crumbled under the immense vibrations. Then there'd been a scrap, which had left Jones with Vinward in a headlock, who in turn was pulling at a clump of Jones' hair and Richmond cowered in the corner of ceiling, hiding. Vince looked around the empty living room; yep, definitely too quiet now.

Vince sat down on the couch to watch TV and looked dejectedly at all the empty seats. He sighed heavily.

"You okay?" Howard asked, squeezing his partners shoulder as he settled down next to him.

"Yeah," he sighed, snuggling into Howard's side. "I just miss 'em. I thought it'd be bliss when they finally left. Get to watch what I want on the television, bit more money so we can go on that holiday abroad we're always talking about. But, it's not the same anymore."

"I know." Howard laughed softly, kissing Vince gently on the temple. "The house feels so empty."

"Yeah and…" Vince trailed off biting his lip anxiously.

"And what?"

"Nothing."

"No, come on. What can't you say to me?"

"Well, it's just… this is the most likely time for couples split up. Suddenly, they don't have children to take up their time and…"

"When have we ever done anything like other people have? We're two men, who by some miraculous potion left in a fridge, managed to have three gorgeous sons, who are all _so _special and doing so well."

"I know."

"And Vinward had his first proper adventure the other day, Lauren got trapped in a cabinet and he had to rescue her from the Cabinetmites."

"I remember them." Vince smiled, "Cheeky buggers they were, kept running off with all my sweets and your socks. Not that you ever noticed. You were far too busy chasing Gideon. Oh yeah, I know what I was meant to ask you back then; what's 'crumb eye'?"

"Huh?"

"Back at the zoo, Gideon asked if I wanted to play crumb eye with her but I didn't know what is was "

"Oh, don't ask." Howard said, reeling at the memory of all the foolish things he'd done trying to win the love of Mrs Gideon when the real love of his life was right where he'd always been, stood next to him. "I love you." he said suddenly, feeling as though he hadn't said it in a while and Vince might need reminding.

"I know you do small eyes." He smiled, looking up at Howard until the older man kissed him deeply.

"See, it's nice to be able to do that without three simultaneous groans."

Vince sighed again. "Do you think they'll still need us, Howard?"

"I'm convinced of it. They might be older but they're still useless in their own special ways."

And of course Howard was right.

.

Richmond was always phoning up, just to brag about how well he was doing;

"Hey dad, yeah. I'm top of my class."

"Umm, I got my degree. I graduated top of the class"  
"_That's excellent Richmond!_"  
"It's okay, I suppose."

"I've got a job at Renholm Industries."

"I've been promoted."

"I'm saying a lot of important stuff to some people circled around me."

"I've been promoted to Mr Renholm's right hand man."

Then, one day; "I've discovered 'Cradle of Filth'."

Suddenly, things weren't going quite so well. Richmond had been demoted to the IT team but he seemed, strangely happier (no, that wasn't the right word at all) but he was more comfortable with who he was, even if he did dress like Sweeny Todd. It had been a shock for the family next time they'd seen him but Vince had just claimed his new long black hair to be 'genius' and Jones had said it was about time he'd gotten himself a sense of style. Vinward had laughed at his milky lens but as Jones put it;

"That's just Vinward. He wouldn't know style if it pole danced in front of him daubing itself with syrup which spelt 'I'm style' straight across its tits."

"What do you know about tits?" Vinward had bit back quickly. "I suppose Dan's got a good pair of knockers, has he?"

"Yeah, _triple_ D cup."

"You really don't know what you're talking about, do you?" laughed Vinward.

"Nope." Jones admitted, as his brother shoved him affectionately in the shoulder. "But give me a break, I've got two dads and a boyfri- Dan, I've got Dan. I've never needed to know about any part of the female anatomy."

"Hmmm." grumbled Vinward, turning back to his newly-gothic brother, "So, what are your work mates like Richmond?"

"Well, Moss is a computer genius and Jen, she lets me out of my cupboard, she's nice. And then there's Roy, he's Irish."

"Wow! They sound awesome."

"They're okay, I suppose."

.

And then there was Vinward. He always rang up to find out tips about zoo;

"Hey dad. Umm, yeah, what's the rules about trembling with newts again?"

"Hi, Laura wants to know how you calm a llama down."

"Just wondering, eye drops in a fish's gills, fatal?"

"Hi, if some hypothetical woman with a customised jacket had styled a lions main, how would said hypothetical woman get rid of the style?"  
"_You wouldn't . You'd leave it and watch him become king of the animal kingdom._" Was Vince's answer.  
"_It's a lion Vince. It's already king of the animal kingdom. And Hose pipe, Vin. Just wash out the hairspray and gel._" Was Howard's answer. He remembered the countless times he'd had to stop Vince giving a bear a Mohican, or putting an emo fringe on a fox, or an afro wig on a penguin.

Then, one day, Vinward had rung up and said something totally different;

"Hi dad. Are you both there?"  
"_Yeah._"  
"Great, me and Lauren are getting married."  
"_That's excellent news son, congratulations._" Howard answered, whilst Vince jumped about in the background.

"Jones?"  
"_No."  
_Pause.  
"Well, can you get him for me please."  
"_JONES! PHONE! What? Oh, thanks… Hello?"  
_"Hi Jones."  
"_Vinnie!"  
"_Vinward_."  
"Whatever. What's up?"  
_"Listen, I'm getting married."  
"_To Lauren?"  
_"No, to Dan. Yes, of course to Lauren."  
"_I would say congratulations but it's about bloody time if I'm honest!"  
_"Shut up. Look mate, I wanna… I mean, will you be best man?"  
_"Oh… I mean I wannoo, but… I can't organise for shit you know that. Hang on. Dan, stop smirking in agreement. Don't turn your back on me and carry on smirking you twat. Sorry about that."  
_"It's fine. Just, listen. I was going to get Richmond to organise I just want you to help me pick a ring and organise the stag do."  
"_Now you're talking. Leave it to DJ Jones Noir-Moon. I officially organise the best parties in Europe, I've got a plaque."_

"_Hello."  
_"Hey Richmond, it's Vin."  
"_Oh."  
_"Look, I'm getting married."  
"_Okay, to Lauren?"  
_"No, to Dan."  
"_Oh. Does Jones know?"  
_"God you're thick. I was being sarcastic. Of course to Lauren."  
"_Great."  
_"You could sound excited for me."  
_"That was excited."  
_"Hmm, anyway… I'd like it if you'd be best man."  
"_Oh. Umm, okay. I guess."  
_"Oh you just ooze enthusiasm, you do."  
"_Hmm, look, I've got to go. Jessica's waking up."  
_"Who's Jessica?"  
"_She's got a beautiful skull."_

_._

And Jones. Jones was probably the one who rang home most:

To moan; "Dan's stolen the main lead for my decks and put it on the top shelf. Now I can't reach it."

And brag; "I've got this massive gig in Stanley Knives. You should see it regular pay and everything."

And moan; "Dan's locked me out of the house."

And moan; "Dan's moved his sister in. I don't think she likes me very much."

And moan; "He hasn't even told her about us dad! Six years we've been living together!"

And then there'd been the whole 'he cheated on me with a man in a pub toilet' fiasco. Jones had even moved back in with Vince and Howard for a couple of days, well, until Dan was almost suicidal over the split. Then Jones had waltzed back to save him only when he was on the brink of a complete mental breakdown. What Jones didn't know, and would never know, was that as soon as Richmond and Vinward had found out, they'd been straight round to see Mr Ashcroft brandishing an arsenal of harmless insults and empty threats. Never let it be said that the Noir-Moon boys aren't going to stick up for each other.

*

It wasn't warm but it wasn't cold either. There was a gentle breeze brushing the leaves, whirling through the blades of grass making them dance a peaceful jig past the children's feet as they kicked a football around the park and around the girls as they made make-believe cups of tea to give to their make-believe friends. On a nearby bench, watching over the youthful scene were two men advancing in years, sharing a romantic picnic, comprising mainly of sandwiches and sweets.

"I feel so old Howard." Vince groaned, eating a raspberry lace without his hands.

Howard watched the display with a smile crinkling his already weathered face. "Don't be ridiculous. You'll never be old."

"Well, no. Not compared to you."

"Cheeky git." Howard chuckled lightly, taking a sausage roll from the picnic basket and munching it thoughtfully.

"D'you know what's going to be _really _bad?" Vince said after a while.

"What?"

"Being a grandfather."

"That's a long way off yet, little man."

"Is it? I mean I know Jones isn't going to be reproducing and I'm fairly sure Richmond's still playing the field, or the graveyard, or whatever it is Goths play. But Vinward, Vinward's engaged. It's only a matter of time before there's the pitter-patter of tiny grandchildren and we officially become ancient. I'm not ready to be a grandfather."

"You weren't ready to be father either but you did a good job of that."

"_You _did a good job of that. You were the one who laid down the rules. I just use to mess about pretending I was one of the kids."

"You did your fair share of difficult chats. I'd never have handled Jones' coming out in the way you did or Vinward's awkward questions about girls. Or what about when Richmond's announced he was a Goth."

Vince smiled as he remembered Howard's adverse reaction to Richmond's gothic lifestyle. "You're right. You needed me."

"Of course I did." Howard wrapped his arm around Vince's shoulder and pulled him in close. Just then a football came over and bumped Vince on the leg.

"Sorry Mister." said a small boy as he rushed to get his ball back.

"Oh, you're alright." Vince grinned. "Oh and kid."

"Hmm?"

"Shoot to the keepers left. He hasn't saved anything that side yet."

"Oh. Thanks Mister."

"As if you know anything about football." Howard scoffed into Vince's ear, when the kid was out of ear shot.

"Uh-hem." Vince coughed pointedly, as the child shot to the left and the ball went straight in. He ran off, shirt over his head, whooping and cheering like a madman.

"Why didn't you teach any of our sons to play football like that?"

They let the question hang in the air for a second and then both burst into laughter.

"Maybe not." laughed Howard, stroking Vince's hair out of his eyes and leaning in to kiss him sweetly.

"I suppose," Vince whispered, "we should be getting back to the house."

"Mmm."

"You know _they're_ going to be there."

"Mmm." Howard repeated, brow furrowed.

"You're supposed to be happy. Celebrating how long we've been together."

"It's not how long we've been together that's the problem. It's the fact it also means it's their birthdays."

Vince smiled softly, still resting against Howard, still making no attempt to move.

"Howard" he said after a few moments of quiet contemplation. "Do you still love me?"

"Of course I love you."

"Good, coz I still love you."

They looked at each other, gazes saying more that words ever could.

And then;

"Awww. Dads. Get a room."

"If you're gonna be all loved up at least get out of public view first. You'll make young children throw up."

"Leave them alone. Their love is quite beautiful."

"Ah, shu'up Richie. And we heard that laughing about us playing football. I'll have you know I could've gone pro." said Jones, camping up his pose - all leopard print trousers, vibrant wife-beater vest and random scarves.

"Shut up." grinned Vinward, "You talk some crap, you do."

"Get lost. It's my birthday, you gotta be nice to me."

"Jones that stops working when you're about ten." growled Vinward, waving a wine bag in front of Howard and Vince's faces and continuing in a sing song voice; "Who wants to go home so we can drink the celebratory wine?"

"Me." Vince beamed getting up quickly. "What?" he added, when Howard sighed loudly. "We're celebrating."

"Yeah dad." chimed Vinward. "Twenty five years of glorious relationship between two people who love each other."

"A glorious family." Howard corrected. "Vince gave birth to you three, though we still don't know how," he looked at Vince, who paled immediately (he still hadn't quite got over that) "and we became a family who love each other."

"Mm." agreed Richmond "And family's important. You only realise that when you get put in a room with a job that doesn't do anything."

"Aww, d'you miss us Rich?"

"No. There's just lots of time for contemplation." Then; "thinking." he added on seeing a couple of almost identical confused faces.

"Riiight." sighed Jones. "Okay. Come on. Let's go. I wanna get on with the celebrating coz then it'll be time to celebrate my birthday!"

"_Our_ birthday, Jonesy!"

"I told you it would be all about them." Howard whispered in Vince's ear as their three sons squabbled like they always had.

"I don't mind." Vince smiled back, slipping his hand through the crook of Howard's, resting his head on his shoulder as the dysfunctional, crazy, seemingly impossible but incredibly close family began to walk back to the house to celebrate.

And that, I think, is where we shall leave them _for now_. Happy and celebrating on a birthday and an anniversary. It also happens to be the day that marks two months until wedding bells will sound, is nineteen months before tiny Noir-Moon feet pad away on lino and will be the day, in five years time, that Richmond finally takes his place as rightful owner of Renholm industries. And, it will be just ten years, 4 months and 23 days until Dan quits his bloody job at SugaRape and finally makes an effort to be happy with Jones.

And Howard and Vince? Well, they just remained loved up and sickeningly happy, surrounded by a family who love them. But I guess that's just what happens when two people cuddle in a special way.

* * *

**Woop! Hats off for cheesy ending!! I know, basically, when it came down to it, I didn't have a clue how to finish the bloody thing. Hope this was okay!**

**Anyway! Thanks so much for reviewing! I was SO nervous about this one I actually put it on a different account and it's turned out to be one of the best responses I've ever had to a fic. So thanks again!**

**Anyway, now I really must revise so that I can go to Uni next year and become growed up (yeah, right! - lol).**

**Love you all!  
****InconspicuousBunny/ Sisi…xx**


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